Today was tough and I have to admit that I gave in. About 5 hours short of two official days of not smoking and I’m back to the starting line.
I will have to have to start the “hard part” all over again.
It’s funny reading my post last night and how quickly things change. I was saying that the Zyban must have been helping me. Today, I am convinced that it no longer works. I feel 100% the same as I did before the Zyban right now. Completely unaltered.
Nothing specific triggered my smoking. I was about 6 hours into obsessive agony over smoking and couldn’t see any bright side. I convinced myself it wasn’t the right time, that I had not planned my quit adequately enough and that I just up and said “I’m done” without really being convinced. Whatever the truth is, the fact is, I’ve smoked.
The visions of that little monster I spoke about yesterday are gone. In fact, my mood has changed as well. I feel fairly “blah” and it has nothing to do with failing to quit. The drug does not seem like it’s affecting my craving for nicotine or focus on cigarettes right now.
It’s a complete 180 from yesterday.
I feel I am going to take it easy for the weekend and wait until I’ve cleared my head to start quitting again. My new target is for Monday. I wish I could be more positive right now, but I can’t. I should have knocked on wood when I was praising my mood and Zyban yesterday.
The only thing I could think of that has changed could be hormonal. You know, female hormones… Does anyone know if that can be the case?
Friday, October 5, 2007
Oh Sheesh!
What is this about!?! I have been on the verge of smoking for the past 5 hours! I thought the Zyban was going to help this!?!
I haven't given in. I definitely held the pack and a couple of individual cigarettes in my hand as well as aggressively smell the pack but I just couldn't see inhaling anything other than the fresh NYC air into my lungs... Maybe that's the Wellbutrin?
I HAVE to discard of that pack tomorrow. It's such an antagonist.
Eh. The Zyban HAS to be working. I would have already given in by now if it weren't for the Zyban.
Good night and best wishes to everyone tomorrow!
I haven't given in. I definitely held the pack and a couple of individual cigarettes in my hand as well as aggressively smell the pack but I just couldn't see inhaling anything other than the fresh NYC air into my lungs... Maybe that's the Wellbutrin?
I HAVE to discard of that pack tomorrow. It's such an antagonist.
Eh. The Zyban HAS to be working. I would have already given in by now if it weren't for the Zyban.
Good night and best wishes to everyone tomorrow!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 9
It’s day nine and my first official day of not smoking. I woke up this morning with no strong desire to smoke. Although, I did have an urge when I brought my dog outside. I quickly tuned off that thought as I felt good and decided I could go without. It was easy to get through the day at work as my occupation keeps me quite busy. There were a few sudden urges and they occurred at the same time I usually go downstairs to smoke. I easily turned away from those thoughts.
I think the Wellbutrin and Allen Carr have helped me with those aspects. Allen Carr put the argument in my head that I actually DO NOT enjoy smoking. I always thought I liked to smoke; however, Mr. Carr has a good point. I really do despise it and have always despised it --both while a non-smoker and a smoker. Interesting. It has been easier to fight an urge to smoke since I’ve realized that I actually do NOT like smoking, I just NEED to smoke for the nicotine. I have these visions of a little monster in my tummy angry with me, wanting nicotine. I am spiteful toward this monster and I am finding pleasure in making him suffer. Thank you Mr. Carr for providing me a mental image for the demon.
Now, with that I must say… it is now nighttime and I am at home. On my nightstand, the open pack of cigarettes I had walked away from last night contains 13 cigarettes and they are taunting me and consuming my mind. I know, I know… Why haven’t I thrown them out already?
For some reason I am unable to throw that pack of cigarettes away. I keep telling myself I feel like it’s a waste and would rather give the rest of the pack to a friend. In reality, I think I don’t actually believe I have quit. It’s as though I want to keep them around so they will be handy when I begin again.
I think I am struggling with accepting that I’ve made a decision to never smoke again. I cannot imagine that as a reality. I’m never going to have a cigarette again??? Why? I enjoy them (well, apparently, I do not). I am going to assume it is really my addiction to nicotine that is telling me to fear quitting.
That’s messed up, right?
I feel like, with this mindset, I am doomed to fail.
The fact that I already think I am doomed to fail is a bad sign, right?
Regardless, I still haven’t smoked. If not because I do not want to fail, then because there is an image of some little nicotine monster implanted in my brain and I want to annihilate it, tear it to shreds, and mostly, get him the hell out of my body. I hate that little thing and am glad it’s been clarified that I have never truly enjoyed smoking in the first place.
I wonder how long this will last?
I am off to the gym for now. If I have the time, I will probably post later this evening.
Wish me luck in abstaining!
I think the Wellbutrin and Allen Carr have helped me with those aspects. Allen Carr put the argument in my head that I actually DO NOT enjoy smoking. I always thought I liked to smoke; however, Mr. Carr has a good point. I really do despise it and have always despised it --both while a non-smoker and a smoker. Interesting. It has been easier to fight an urge to smoke since I’ve realized that I actually do NOT like smoking, I just NEED to smoke for the nicotine. I have these visions of a little monster in my tummy angry with me, wanting nicotine. I am spiteful toward this monster and I am finding pleasure in making him suffer. Thank you Mr. Carr for providing me a mental image for the demon.
Now, with that I must say… it is now nighttime and I am at home. On my nightstand, the open pack of cigarettes I had walked away from last night contains 13 cigarettes and they are taunting me and consuming my mind. I know, I know… Why haven’t I thrown them out already?
For some reason I am unable to throw that pack of cigarettes away. I keep telling myself I feel like it’s a waste and would rather give the rest of the pack to a friend. In reality, I think I don’t actually believe I have quit. It’s as though I want to keep them around so they will be handy when I begin again.
I think I am struggling with accepting that I’ve made a decision to never smoke again. I cannot imagine that as a reality. I’m never going to have a cigarette again??? Why? I enjoy them (well, apparently, I do not). I am going to assume it is really my addiction to nicotine that is telling me to fear quitting.
That’s messed up, right?
I feel like, with this mindset, I am doomed to fail.
The fact that I already think I am doomed to fail is a bad sign, right?
Regardless, I still haven’t smoked. If not because I do not want to fail, then because there is an image of some little nicotine monster implanted in my brain and I want to annihilate it, tear it to shreds, and mostly, get him the hell out of my body. I hate that little thing and am glad it’s been clarified that I have never truly enjoyed smoking in the first place.
I wonder how long this will last?
I am off to the gym for now. If I have the time, I will probably post later this evening.
Wish me luck in abstaining!
Oddly Enough...
...I was doing a blogsearch and came across a blog similar to mine but for the drug Chantix. Same name and everything (though, I guess "My _______ Experience" isn't so creative, huh?). I believe this person is on Day 46 of the drug. If you're interested, I have included a link to it. Just click the link that says: Same Idea, Different Drug.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 8
So, today was supposed to be my quit day. Didn’t happen. I woke up this morning and didn’t feel the urge to smoke, yet, something in my head told me to do so anyway. And I did and continued to do so throughout the day.
In general, I have been smoking less but it seems that I am struggling with completely walking away. With that said, I smoked my last cigarette about 2 hours ago. And by last, I don’t mean last cigarette in a pack (in fact, I have almost a whole pack waiting for me). I mean my LAST cigarette. That’s it. Done. El fin.
So I guess today is still my quit day, even though I smoked my last cigarette with only 2 hours left in the day.
The way I look at it is, I have a great opportunity to stop this. I am relaxed and already lacking an infinite desire to smoke. The Zyban has been working out well for me so far and I feel like continuing to smoke is wasting an opportunity to be done with it forever.
All in all, I think Zyban has helped me immensely in more ways than one at this point. It has opened my eyes to understanding that I have been generally depressed for a bit now. This pill has given me a lot more energy and motivation whereas prior to taking the pill, I would likely be watching some horrible VH1 reality show instead blogging about my day-to-day experiences right now. I guess it’s one of those “you can’t see the tree because the forest is in the way” things. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it, but looking at myself from a different mindset has given me some overall insight.
I’ve apparently felt dull for a while.
On another note, my sleepiness has subsided --at least for the time being. I am still not completely sold on the thought that I may complete my Zyban experience without any major discomfort or trauma. My fingers are crossed, but I am still weary of this, or any, drug. I have altered the chemical balance in my brain and I hope it doesn’t backfire.
Additionally, I think my appetite came back today. Well, maybe only partially. I only consumed the top of my muffin this morning until I forgot about it and eventually the rest had gone stale. Then, for lunch, I had a turkey BLT panini and devoured it. Afterward, I had a craving for my frozen coffee drink and had one of those as well. I did not request decaf and, luckily, I did not become itchy. And then, I guess for dinner I had a couple Thai dumplings… So maybe my appetite isn’t back? My lunchtime hunger happened right before my second dose. Maybe the pill was wearing off at that point and allowed me to have an appetite?
I think the hardest part for me quitting is realizing that I am actually NOT going to smoke anymore and believing it.
Allen Carr: I feel like I need to read it over again and that there’s much more that I can absorb from it.
My apologies for not posting yesterday. I had been in a situation where I was unable to concentrate of writing for the evening. As far as I know, there was not much to report. If I think of anything important that I missed, I will be sure to post.
Time for me to go to bed… I have a lot of NOT smoking to do tomorrow!
In general, I have been smoking less but it seems that I am struggling with completely walking away. With that said, I smoked my last cigarette about 2 hours ago. And by last, I don’t mean last cigarette in a pack (in fact, I have almost a whole pack waiting for me). I mean my LAST cigarette. That’s it. Done. El fin.
So I guess today is still my quit day, even though I smoked my last cigarette with only 2 hours left in the day.
The way I look at it is, I have a great opportunity to stop this. I am relaxed and already lacking an infinite desire to smoke. The Zyban has been working out well for me so far and I feel like continuing to smoke is wasting an opportunity to be done with it forever.
All in all, I think Zyban has helped me immensely in more ways than one at this point. It has opened my eyes to understanding that I have been generally depressed for a bit now. This pill has given me a lot more energy and motivation whereas prior to taking the pill, I would likely be watching some horrible VH1 reality show instead blogging about my day-to-day experiences right now. I guess it’s one of those “you can’t see the tree because the forest is in the way” things. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it, but looking at myself from a different mindset has given me some overall insight.
I’ve apparently felt dull for a while.
On another note, my sleepiness has subsided --at least for the time being. I am still not completely sold on the thought that I may complete my Zyban experience without any major discomfort or trauma. My fingers are crossed, but I am still weary of this, or any, drug. I have altered the chemical balance in my brain and I hope it doesn’t backfire.
Additionally, I think my appetite came back today. Well, maybe only partially. I only consumed the top of my muffin this morning until I forgot about it and eventually the rest had gone stale. Then, for lunch, I had a turkey BLT panini and devoured it. Afterward, I had a craving for my frozen coffee drink and had one of those as well. I did not request decaf and, luckily, I did not become itchy. And then, I guess for dinner I had a couple Thai dumplings… So maybe my appetite isn’t back? My lunchtime hunger happened right before my second dose. Maybe the pill was wearing off at that point and allowed me to have an appetite?
I think the hardest part for me quitting is realizing that I am actually NOT going to smoke anymore and believing it.
Allen Carr: I feel like I need to read it over again and that there’s much more that I can absorb from it.
My apologies for not posting yesterday. I had been in a situation where I was unable to concentrate of writing for the evening. As far as I know, there was not much to report. If I think of anything important that I missed, I will be sure to post.
Time for me to go to bed… I have a lot of NOT smoking to do tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Note
I may or may not be able to post an actual post tonight. If it turns out I can't, I am sure I will have a lot to say tomorrow what with it being my quit date!
My Zyban Experience, Day 6
Okay, so it’s Day 6 of my journey to quit smoking. The itching issue wasn’t so much of a problem today until I gave in and drank some coffee. Maybe coffee correlates with the itching? Just because I question that, I think I am officially going to COMPLETELY abstain from caffeine. The thought scares me…
Aside from my brief spell of itching, things were fairly normal for me today. It was almost as though I had never taken any sort of mind-altering pill. My head is 98% clear and I feel more relaxed and open than normal. Let’s hope this keeps up! I can, at times, be a very particular and grumpy person. I am not someone who lets people’s wrong-doings go unnoticed. Unfortunately, I cannot help myself sometimes and I retaliate in spite to teach them a lesson. This can backfire quite easily and I’ve been worried about this issue as I started taking Zyban (listed side-effect of aggression). I have to continually tell myself that, what with the high population of the city I live in, there is an increased probability that I will “teach” the wrong person a lesson one day and regret it. Thus far, I have had someone’s highly coveted and rudely acquired ice-cream cone thrown at the back of my head. Let’s hope it ends there. ---Oops. I think I went on a tangent. My point is that: I was a lot more relaxed about daily situations that normally make me irate. I absolutely cannot tolerate rude people and people who defy the “principal” of the matter.
To contradict that positive of Wellbutrin, I will have to add that I smoked on par with my pre-Wellbutrin rate today. I do not know why. I am unclear about what changed. The only good thing is that toward the end of the night, the smoke felt like it was burning my mouth. The taste became stronger and not what I have become accustomed to. Maybe this will mean it’s finally my time to get the horrible taste? Additionally, I only have one cigarette left in my pack and am not so worried about waking up tomorrow morning and potentially running out.
Now, onto the sleep issues… I had a lot more energy today than I have in the past few days. I was exhausted this morning and could barely keep my eyes open for about the first 45 minutes while at work but it passed. I did wake up at 5am to take my pill, but maybe I should try 4am instead? After work, I accomplished quite a bit. I met up with a friend and she eventually helped me complete a project I’ve been working on in my apartment. I became very drowsy at around 8:30pm but I decided to go to the gym instead of sleeping (this is also when I opted for coffee). When I came home, I started reading the Allen Carr book. I put it down to post here. Now it’s midnight and I’m wide awake! Hopefully, I will be exhausted soon enough. The gym probably still has me going.
Speaking of the gym, I did 45 minutes of cardio instead of my regular hour. I didn’t feel so right toward the end and didn’t want to take any chances, especially since I am coming off of a rough case of bronchitis. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week due to my illness so that, combined with my concern over my water consumption, may have contributed to my odd feeling.
Is anyone else concerned about not getting enough water? Since I have felt a decrease in appetite (mainly during the day, not so much at night), I have noticed that I will go a very long time without drinking anything. I keep trying to force myself to drink water but, even with a 1.5 liter bottle of water on my desk, it sits there forgotten…
I have to get going now and work on falling asleep.
Aside from my brief spell of itching, things were fairly normal for me today. It was almost as though I had never taken any sort of mind-altering pill. My head is 98% clear and I feel more relaxed and open than normal. Let’s hope this keeps up! I can, at times, be a very particular and grumpy person. I am not someone who lets people’s wrong-doings go unnoticed. Unfortunately, I cannot help myself sometimes and I retaliate in spite to teach them a lesson. This can backfire quite easily and I’ve been worried about this issue as I started taking Zyban (listed side-effect of aggression). I have to continually tell myself that, what with the high population of the city I live in, there is an increased probability that I will “teach” the wrong person a lesson one day and regret it. Thus far, I have had someone’s highly coveted and rudely acquired ice-cream cone thrown at the back of my head. Let’s hope it ends there. ---Oops. I think I went on a tangent. My point is that: I was a lot more relaxed about daily situations that normally make me irate. I absolutely cannot tolerate rude people and people who defy the “principal” of the matter.
To contradict that positive of Wellbutrin, I will have to add that I smoked on par with my pre-Wellbutrin rate today. I do not know why. I am unclear about what changed. The only good thing is that toward the end of the night, the smoke felt like it was burning my mouth. The taste became stronger and not what I have become accustomed to. Maybe this will mean it’s finally my time to get the horrible taste? Additionally, I only have one cigarette left in my pack and am not so worried about waking up tomorrow morning and potentially running out.
Now, onto the sleep issues… I had a lot more energy today than I have in the past few days. I was exhausted this morning and could barely keep my eyes open for about the first 45 minutes while at work but it passed. I did wake up at 5am to take my pill, but maybe I should try 4am instead? After work, I accomplished quite a bit. I met up with a friend and she eventually helped me complete a project I’ve been working on in my apartment. I became very drowsy at around 8:30pm but I decided to go to the gym instead of sleeping (this is also when I opted for coffee). When I came home, I started reading the Allen Carr book. I put it down to post here. Now it’s midnight and I’m wide awake! Hopefully, I will be exhausted soon enough. The gym probably still has me going.
Speaking of the gym, I did 45 minutes of cardio instead of my regular hour. I didn’t feel so right toward the end and didn’t want to take any chances, especially since I am coming off of a rough case of bronchitis. I haven’t been to the gym in over a week due to my illness so that, combined with my concern over my water consumption, may have contributed to my odd feeling.
Is anyone else concerned about not getting enough water? Since I have felt a decrease in appetite (mainly during the day, not so much at night), I have noticed that I will go a very long time without drinking anything. I keep trying to force myself to drink water but, even with a 1.5 liter bottle of water on my desk, it sits there forgotten…
I have to get going now and work on falling asleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
