Today was tough and I have to admit that I gave in. About 5 hours short of two official days of not smoking and I’m back to the starting line.
I will have to have to start the “hard part” all over again.
It’s funny reading my post last night and how quickly things change. I was saying that the Zyban must have been helping me. Today, I am convinced that it no longer works. I feel 100% the same as I did before the Zyban right now. Completely unaltered.
Nothing specific triggered my smoking. I was about 6 hours into obsessive agony over smoking and couldn’t see any bright side. I convinced myself it wasn’t the right time, that I had not planned my quit adequately enough and that I just up and said “I’m done” without really being convinced. Whatever the truth is, the fact is, I’ve smoked.
The visions of that little monster I spoke about yesterday are gone. In fact, my mood has changed as well. I feel fairly “blah” and it has nothing to do with failing to quit. The drug does not seem like it’s affecting my craving for nicotine or focus on cigarettes right now.
It’s a complete 180 from yesterday.
I feel I am going to take it easy for the weekend and wait until I’ve cleared my head to start quitting again. My new target is for Monday. I wish I could be more positive right now, but I can’t. I should have knocked on wood when I was praising my mood and Zyban yesterday.
The only thing I could think of that has changed could be hormonal. You know, female hormones… Does anyone know if that can be the case?
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2 comments:
(And so it goes....)
I was convinced you had done it, and am really sorry to hear that you've slipped back.
But when I read your blog this morning, I thought it could have been me writing this (except of course I wouldn't write nearly so eloquently as you!)
Everything you're thinking is the same as I've been thinking this morning. It's the wrong time, I haven't planned it well enough etc. etc.
Yesterday, though I smoked well under 20 cigarettes the whole day, which is quite amazing for me - remember I smoke 40-50. But this morning I'm smoking - admittedly not one after the other like normal, but smoking still the same.
I'm going to carry on with the Zyban for a few more days, see what happens. I think I'm expecting some kind of miracle from them, which of course is not going to happen.
Was reading through few other blogs yesterday and everyone seems to have found it so easy.
We've got to beat this thing.
Don't know if you're familiar with 12 step programmes, but Step One - "I admit that am powerless over cigarettes and my life has become unmanageable"
Then Step Two "Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity"
I think I was believing that Zyban was that Power. But it doesn't seem to be...
Anyway, hope you manage to get through today without a cigarette. I'm rooting for you!
(Chris - US)
Thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, I am giving myself a hard time, but I was so determined, it's a real big disappointment not to succeed. But then again, I think I was expecting it to be easy.
Chris, London
Oi.
I know what you're saying about easy. Everything I heard made it seem that it would be.
My question is: If not for the Zyban, how much harder would it be? I have never even lasted a day quitting without Zyban (with the exception of staying at my parents' house for holidays where I am unable to - but that's really not quitting, that's a matter of [in]convenience).
I don't know about Zyban being the "Power". But I agree with what you're saying. I'm pretty sure we have to find that within ourselves... I think I just thought Zyban would make my own "Power" stronger...
I'm not going to let it get me down yet. I am not going to be a smoker forever and I am going to try to have the patience to let Zyban help!
It is helping us cut back for now at least... We've only been on it for less than 2 weeks too.
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