Day 20

I didn’t want to post tonight but knew I would feel bad about it tomorrow and be obliged to make some sort of excuse or regret it.

It took forever for me to get out of bed this morning. I ended up getting up 10 minutes before I needed to leave. Mind you, I was awake for a long time. I just didn’t want to get up. I lay there thinking of reasons to not possibly go into work. Too bad/Good thing I had 6 meetings today. I couldn’t avoid those.

I arrived at work very anxious and that continued throughout the day. Nauseous ALL day long with moments where I was short of breath and thought, that was it –I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

I felt like I was on a verge of an anxiety attack at any moment.
I am miserable.
I can’t stand this.

I can’t tell if it’s the Zyban or my boyfriend issues. It’s like the chicken and the egg dilemma. The thing about my anxiety is that whenever I speak with someone it’s eased but as soon as I am with only myself, it’s nausea, trouble breathing and headache.

I have only felt anxiety to this extent two or three times before in my life. They all revolve around a loss.

I haven’t lost anything. (yet?)

I have lesser forms of anxiety all of the time. My teeth are ground to nubs for my age due to this. I am a planner, perfectionist, reflector --thus, a worrier.

On a brighter note, I have smoked less today even without the Zyban. I think it’s mostly because I have no desire to do anything; especially get up the energy to go outside and smoke. So if all of these feelings are because of the Zyban, I guess it is still helping me quit smoking even though I am no longer taking it.

Why is my sadness increasing when I haven’t taken the Zyban since Friday? How long is it going to take to get this garbage out of my brain?