I was coming home from a "leaving NYC party" last night, disgusted with cigarettes, ran out and bought nicotine patches instead of a pack.
One full day without.
Let's see how this round goes... Patches have never worked for me before; however, there are also a lot a differences in my current environment from past environments that may make this experience more successful.
Wish me luck!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Much Better
I have been feeling much better. Waking up in the morning with a weird, glowing feeling. I am not sure where it comes from. Actually, if anything, it makes me wonder how I can feel that good already after ending a 2.5-year relationship only two weeks ago. I question it. A lot. It's not just that I feel I should still be mourning, it's that I actually feel better than I recollect feeling in a long time --well, at that time of day! I am usually a belligerent grouch in the a.m.!
Bizarre.
Other than waking up in the morning with a lack of miserable-ness, things are pretty “meh”. I am still have trouble concentrating at work and am frustrated with this city. Those are things I can work on.
I am thinking about trying to quit again. I am going to wait it out for a bit, but I would still like to be smoke-free by my birthday (I have 24 more days). I will try the patch again. If I fail, I will then consider other alternatives. I am a little nervous about taking pills again, however. My Zyban experience wasn’t all that horrible compared to other stories I’ve read, but I would never like to be in a position again where my thoughts could be that dark…
I also wonder a lot if my depression while on Zyban was accentuated from not being social. While on it, I opted to stay in a lot because I refused to drink and most of my social engagements involve drinking…
Who knows? I’ve definitely been more social since my breakup and I think that is affecting my mood positively. There are still a few friends I am mad at and, if I don’t let it go soon, I will probably end up disregarding them forever. I am unsure which of the two are a better choice at this point.
Let’s see how it goes.
Bizarre.
Other than waking up in the morning with a lack of miserable-ness, things are pretty “meh”. I am still have trouble concentrating at work and am frustrated with this city. Those are things I can work on.
I am thinking about trying to quit again. I am going to wait it out for a bit, but I would still like to be smoke-free by my birthday (I have 24 more days). I will try the patch again. If I fail, I will then consider other alternatives. I am a little nervous about taking pills again, however. My Zyban experience wasn’t all that horrible compared to other stories I’ve read, but I would never like to be in a position again where my thoughts could be that dark…
I also wonder a lot if my depression while on Zyban was accentuated from not being social. While on it, I opted to stay in a lot because I refused to drink and most of my social engagements involve drinking…
Who knows? I’ve definitely been more social since my breakup and I think that is affecting my mood positively. There are still a few friends I am mad at and, if I don’t let it go soon, I will probably end up disregarding them forever. I am unsure which of the two are a better choice at this point.
Let’s see how it goes.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Calming Down...
After a brief freakout, I think I am finally okay. I am not sure if this is to stay or not as I have had other ups before only to come back down...
After an insane post (which I removed), a regular reader commented that if I wasn't this crazy before Zyban, I should probably seek medical attention... It's hard to say if I was or not :) I know I was in a very frustrated, sad and also intoxicated state when I posted and have a legit reason to feel emotionally exhausted and depressed right now but it's tough to question whether or not my emotions are charged or accentuated by my recent use of Zyban.
Let's hope not. I would hate to be this way unnaturally and forever. I would also like to refrain from seeing a doctor for fear that I will be prescribed another mind-altering drug...
Oh, and smoking? Forget about it. I am smoking more than ever right now but am concentrating on other things right now. Smoking is going to have to be an obstacle to overcome at a later date. I want to feel strong again before I even think about adding the extra stress...
After an insane post (which I removed), a regular reader commented that if I wasn't this crazy before Zyban, I should probably seek medical attention... It's hard to say if I was or not :) I know I was in a very frustrated, sad and also intoxicated state when I posted and have a legit reason to feel emotionally exhausted and depressed right now but it's tough to question whether or not my emotions are charged or accentuated by my recent use of Zyban.
Let's hope not. I would hate to be this way unnaturally and forever. I would also like to refrain from seeing a doctor for fear that I will be prescribed another mind-altering drug...
Oh, and smoking? Forget about it. I am smoking more than ever right now but am concentrating on other things right now. Smoking is going to have to be an obstacle to overcome at a later date. I want to feel strong again before I even think about adding the extra stress...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Agh.
I'm a wreck and still smoking quite a bit. I went to work on Monday, stayed home vomiting on Tuesday and went in to work late feeling nauseous all day today.
Talk about anxiety. The funny thing is, my level of anxiousness is still very low when compared to those couple of days after stopping Zyban.
Even though I've probably slept for 55 of the past 72 hours, I've managed to smoke more than a pack a day in the past 3 days.
I want back to normal, to get that sick feeling out of my stomach and to be able to hold food down. Wake up and have more than 5 seconds of feeling good until reality hits me and I get sick again.
I've prepared myself for this breakup and am not surprised about my level of emotion (whereas I have been in the past). It just sucks. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. Maybe someday it will but, regardless, who he is right now is not what I want. Whether it will or will not work out at some point, I will ultimately have what I want –whether with him or someone else. It's hard not speaking to him since Sunday when we've talked 5+ times a day for the past 2.5 years.
It's even harder that there was little animosity going into this. In some ways, I wish I had something to hate him for right now to make it a little easier. That's stupid, I know. Anguish is anguish, whether it's caused by anger or absence. I am very frustrated, however, because he is perfect in every way except for his ability to grow up (some extreme Peter Pan Syndrome). This was entirely avoidable. It is frustrating and it hurts to think about it this way.
I should probably change blogs since I seem to be uninterested in quitting now.
Talk about anxiety. The funny thing is, my level of anxiousness is still very low when compared to those couple of days after stopping Zyban.
Even though I've probably slept for 55 of the past 72 hours, I've managed to smoke more than a pack a day in the past 3 days.
I want back to normal, to get that sick feeling out of my stomach and to be able to hold food down. Wake up and have more than 5 seconds of feeling good until reality hits me and I get sick again.
I've prepared myself for this breakup and am not surprised about my level of emotion (whereas I have been in the past). It just sucks. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. Maybe someday it will but, regardless, who he is right now is not what I want. Whether it will or will not work out at some point, I will ultimately have what I want –whether with him or someone else. It's hard not speaking to him since Sunday when we've talked 5+ times a day for the past 2.5 years.
It's even harder that there was little animosity going into this. In some ways, I wish I had something to hate him for right now to make it a little easier. That's stupid, I know. Anguish is anguish, whether it's caused by anger or absence. I am very frustrated, however, because he is perfect in every way except for his ability to grow up (some extreme Peter Pan Syndrome). This was entirely avoidable. It is frustrating and it hurts to think about it this way.
I should probably change blogs since I seem to be uninterested in quitting now.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
day 25
Things suck right now. My boyfriend and I pretty much broke up today. It's tough because when I met him, I thought we were perfect for each other. In a lot of ways, we are. I just grew and he did not.
I didn't think I'd ever be with any one else ever again.
It's so hard. I am more distraught over how poorly I treated him than anything else. He is so sweet and all I can focus on is what he's doing with his life. He has given me a lot of love that I've brushed aside.
I do not think the loss of his day to day company has set in much yet because this all came about a short while ago.
Oi.
Who knows what will happen.
Smoking more now than anything.
I didn't think I'd ever be with any one else ever again.
It's so hard. I am more distraught over how poorly I treated him than anything else. He is so sweet and all I can focus on is what he's doing with his life. He has given me a lot of love that I've brushed aside.
I do not think the loss of his day to day company has set in much yet because this all came about a short while ago.
Oi.
Who knows what will happen.
Smoking more now than anything.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Day 24
I missed another day of posting. My apologies. I have taken steps to cut back on smoking. I am at about half a pack a day without the assistance of Zyban. I feel relatively normal compared to a week ago. I think I have most of the Zyban out of my system. I am still slightly anxious but at least I don’t feel like I am going to vomit at any second!
One thing I noticed yesterday was that I had two beers and felt wrecked. Not necessarily extremely drunk, but a little sloppy and unable to stay awake. Two beers rarely do anything to me. On a night where I’m out for a long time, I can have 6 or so and I will go home feeling close to normal and wake up the next day feeling fine. I never feel sloppy when I have beer. I am always relatively in control. Certain liquors on the other hand…
I woke up very thirsty today but, other than that, I was fine.
I am not sure if the 2 beer phenomenon is related to not drinking for 3 weeks, the Zyban, or both. Either way, it’s something I will have to remain aware of. The good thing is, just as I felt overly intoxicated off of two beers, I was not inclined to drink any more. I had no interest in it and felt very full.
I will be making more steps to completely quit smoking soon. I hope I will be completely prepared this time. Probably will read the Easy Way book again, too.
I keep hearing more and more praise about Chantix lately. People really seem to like that drug. I am still kind of scared of it, but in hindsight, I wish I had chosen Chantix over the Wellbutrin first. My fear of its “newness” is less than my fear of Zyban at this point.
I had never thought my mind could end up in the places it did right before I stopped taking that drug.
I like the idea that Chantix blocks your nicotine receptors. I think that is key.
I hear people gain a lot of weight on it though… Does anyone have firsthand experience with that? The weight gain alone would prevent me from even considering it. I am not in a position where I can gain weight right now.
One thing I noticed yesterday was that I had two beers and felt wrecked. Not necessarily extremely drunk, but a little sloppy and unable to stay awake. Two beers rarely do anything to me. On a night where I’m out for a long time, I can have 6 or so and I will go home feeling close to normal and wake up the next day feeling fine. I never feel sloppy when I have beer. I am always relatively in control. Certain liquors on the other hand…
I woke up very thirsty today but, other than that, I was fine.
I am not sure if the 2 beer phenomenon is related to not drinking for 3 weeks, the Zyban, or both. Either way, it’s something I will have to remain aware of. The good thing is, just as I felt overly intoxicated off of two beers, I was not inclined to drink any more. I had no interest in it and felt very full.
I will be making more steps to completely quit smoking soon. I hope I will be completely prepared this time. Probably will read the Easy Way book again, too.
I keep hearing more and more praise about Chantix lately. People really seem to like that drug. I am still kind of scared of it, but in hindsight, I wish I had chosen Chantix over the Wellbutrin first. My fear of its “newness” is less than my fear of Zyban at this point.
I had never thought my mind could end up in the places it did right before I stopped taking that drug.
I like the idea that Chantix blocks your nicotine receptors. I think that is key.
I hear people gain a lot of weight on it though… Does anyone have firsthand experience with that? The weight gain alone would prevent me from even considering it. I am not in a position where I can gain weight right now.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Day 22, I'm Free!
Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. I just wanted to fall asleep when I got home, so I did.
Starting today, I feel a lot better. I still had moments of anxiety/panic but it was nowhere near on the same level as two days ago. Actually, I was in pretty good mood for the majority of the day. I was laughing and giggling a lot. A little giddy at moments…
I am still smoking but relatively less.
I am very happy to feel quasi-normal again after the hell of the past few days. What a relief! Hopefully, I will continue to feel better and get back to 100% soon and then I will revisit my quit smoking options.
It is nice to feel like smiling for the most of the day again. I don’t feel trapped inside my head at the moment and it’s nice.
Starting today, I feel a lot better. I still had moments of anxiety/panic but it was nowhere near on the same level as two days ago. Actually, I was in pretty good mood for the majority of the day. I was laughing and giggling a lot. A little giddy at moments…
I am still smoking but relatively less.
I am very happy to feel quasi-normal again after the hell of the past few days. What a relief! Hopefully, I will continue to feel better and get back to 100% soon and then I will revisit my quit smoking options.
It is nice to feel like smiling for the most of the day again. I don’t feel trapped inside my head at the moment and it’s nice.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Day 20
I didn’t want to post tonight but knew I would feel bad about it tomorrow and be obliged to make some sort of excuse or regret it.
It took forever for me to get out of bed this morning. I ended up getting up 10 minutes before I needed to leave. Mind you, I was awake for a long time. I just didn’t want to get up. I lay there thinking of reasons to not possibly go into work. Too bad/Good thing I had 6 meetings today. I couldn’t avoid those.
I arrived at work very anxious and that continued throughout the day. Nauseous ALL day long with moments where I was short of breath and thought, that was it –I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I felt like I was on a verge of an anxiety attack at any moment.
I am miserable.
I can’t stand this.
I can’t tell if it’s the Zyban or my boyfriend issues. It’s like the chicken and the egg dilemma. The thing about my anxiety is that whenever I speak with someone it’s eased but as soon as I am with only myself, it’s nausea, trouble breathing and headache.
I have only felt anxiety to this extent two or three times before in my life. They all revolve around a loss.
I haven’t lost anything. (yet?)
I have lesser forms of anxiety all of the time. My teeth are ground to nubs for my age due to this. I am a planner, perfectionist, reflector --thus, a worrier.
On a brighter note, I have smoked less today even without the Zyban. I think it’s mostly because I have no desire to do anything; especially get up the energy to go outside and smoke. So if all of these feelings are because of the Zyban, I guess it is still helping me quit smoking even though I am no longer taking it.
Why is my sadness increasing when I haven’t taken the Zyban since Friday? How long is it going to take to get this garbage out of my brain?
It took forever for me to get out of bed this morning. I ended up getting up 10 minutes before I needed to leave. Mind you, I was awake for a long time. I just didn’t want to get up. I lay there thinking of reasons to not possibly go into work. Too bad/Good thing I had 6 meetings today. I couldn’t avoid those.
I arrived at work very anxious and that continued throughout the day. Nauseous ALL day long with moments where I was short of breath and thought, that was it –I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.
I felt like I was on a verge of an anxiety attack at any moment.
I am miserable.
I can’t stand this.
I can’t tell if it’s the Zyban or my boyfriend issues. It’s like the chicken and the egg dilemma. The thing about my anxiety is that whenever I speak with someone it’s eased but as soon as I am with only myself, it’s nausea, trouble breathing and headache.
I have only felt anxiety to this extent two or three times before in my life. They all revolve around a loss.
I haven’t lost anything. (yet?)
I have lesser forms of anxiety all of the time. My teeth are ground to nubs for my age due to this. I am a planner, perfectionist, reflector --thus, a worrier.
On a brighter note, I have smoked less today even without the Zyban. I think it’s mostly because I have no desire to do anything; especially get up the energy to go outside and smoke. So if all of these feelings are because of the Zyban, I guess it is still helping me quit smoking even though I am no longer taking it.
Why is my sadness increasing when I haven’t taken the Zyban since Friday? How long is it going to take to get this garbage out of my brain?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 19
Today was my second day with absolutely zero Zyban. Overall, my health feels fine. My head, however, is not so great. I felt absolutely miserable all day. I was on the verge of tears pretty much every second. I did actually cry a little bit and decided to go to the gym to see if the endorphins could cheer me up. My eyes were welling up while walking there. Once there, I got in a “zone” for the first 45 minutes. They seemed to go by without realizing it. The last 15 minutes were horrible though. They dragged on and on and I felt like I was going to pass out for the rest of the time.
When I walked home I felt like it was the first time I exercised in years. I was so winded and sick to my stomach.
I am at home now and ready to go to sleep.
I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow because all I feel like doing right now is wallowing.
I am not concentrating on not smoking at the moment. I’m more focused on getting my head together.
Hopefully, I will snap out of it tomorrow.
When I walked home I felt like it was the first time I exercised in years. I was so winded and sick to my stomach.
I am at home now and ready to go to sleep.
I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow because all I feel like doing right now is wallowing.
I am not concentrating on not smoking at the moment. I’m more focused on getting my head together.
Hopefully, I will snap out of it tomorrow.
Day 18, p.m.
Things seemed to go okay for the rest of the day today. The shaking seemed to stop later in the afternoon. I am not sure if it correlated with coffee or not. It settled down quite a bit before I consumed any coffee. It is possible that they were just my normal shakes. I don't remember eating last night and if I go too long without sugar, I am prone to feeling off. I am still not sure though because the shaking leveled off before I ate anything as well.
As far as my head goes, there is not much to report. I still felt a little down and sleepy today. I went to a movie with my friend, her new boyfriend and my boyfriend. Things went well other than I was on the verge of cutting our relationship off on our way to the movies. I am still thinking about it (but he has warmed up a little, at about the time I turned cold). I just don't think it's going to get any better. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and the same things that have bothered me in the beginning bother me now and there's additional annoyances on top of the initial ones. We'll see. Whatever I do, it's going to be hard either way. It's tense between us. It was like pulling teeth to get him to come to a movie tonight and then he had to be sullen about it. I am not one to sit around and do nothing ALL of the time. This is how it always is with him. I can never get him to go out and when he does he has a fit and makes it miserable. This is no way to keep on. There are other compatibility issues as well.
He is a really nice guy deep down though. Very good intentions and he generally means well. I trust him completely (which is a rarity for me). He just doesn't try anymore. There are no small things being done to make me feel special. No compromises. Bull-headed. It's turning out that we do not have enough in common like we once thought we did.
God. It kills me to write this stuff about him.
I feel trapped either way. Trapped with him and miserable without.
My dog loves him more than me now! He won't leave my boyfriend alone and is no longer sponging for attention off of me...
I had a few moments of obsession with him today. It was nice to think he was adorable and precious again.
As far as my head goes, there is not much to report. I still felt a little down and sleepy today. I went to a movie with my friend, her new boyfriend and my boyfriend. Things went well other than I was on the verge of cutting our relationship off on our way to the movies. I am still thinking about it (but he has warmed up a little, at about the time I turned cold). I just don't think it's going to get any better. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and the same things that have bothered me in the beginning bother me now and there's additional annoyances on top of the initial ones. We'll see. Whatever I do, it's going to be hard either way. It's tense between us. It was like pulling teeth to get him to come to a movie tonight and then he had to be sullen about it. I am not one to sit around and do nothing ALL of the time. This is how it always is with him. I can never get him to go out and when he does he has a fit and makes it miserable. This is no way to keep on. There are other compatibility issues as well.
He is a really nice guy deep down though. Very good intentions and he generally means well. I trust him completely (which is a rarity for me). He just doesn't try anymore. There are no small things being done to make me feel special. No compromises. Bull-headed. It's turning out that we do not have enough in common like we once thought we did.
God. It kills me to write this stuff about him.
I feel trapped either way. Trapped with him and miserable without.
My dog loves him more than me now! He won't leave my boyfriend alone and is no longer sponging for attention off of me...
I had a few moments of obsession with him today. It was nice to think he was adorable and precious again.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Day 18, a.m.
It’s morning now. Well, nearly afternoon. I am not sure what time I went to bed last night. I know I was planning on taking a nap but when I realized it was 10pm when I finished last night’s post and closed down my computer I figured a nap would have to become sleep.
There are two things bothering me right now. First, it seems that I lost some time last night that I cannot account for. I started posting last night around 6pm. I was thinking I should hear from my boyfriend in a few hours. In what felt like an hour’s time, I received a call saying he was done with his father’s birthday dinner. I didn’t understand at first because I thought it was only 7pm and dinner was just starting. I looked at the clock and realized it was much later. 9:30 actually.
Now, I know that it didn’t take me 3 hours to post last night’s blog. Where did that time go? I can’t remember doing anything then other than posting. I am guessing that I stared off for a while and didn’t know it. I have no idea. I just know that there are about 2 hours of time that need accounting for.
The other thing bothering me right now is that I am shaking. My hands are trembling in an embarrassing way. I am part enthralled by it and part afraid of it. I find myself looking at my hands shake and then quickly putting them down so as not to see them. It is not abnormal for me to shake, but this shaking is on a level all of its own.
I am typing on a laptop and using the mousepad is nearly impossible. It took me FOREVER to get the mouse where I needed it to go in order to open up Internet Explorer. I am shaking too much to control where my fingers are trying to tell the cursor to go. Is this because I need coffee or because I haven’t taken the Zyban?
I am going to take a shower, get some coffee and see how the rest of the day goes.
There are two things bothering me right now. First, it seems that I lost some time last night that I cannot account for. I started posting last night around 6pm. I was thinking I should hear from my boyfriend in a few hours. In what felt like an hour’s time, I received a call saying he was done with his father’s birthday dinner. I didn’t understand at first because I thought it was only 7pm and dinner was just starting. I looked at the clock and realized it was much later. 9:30 actually.
Now, I know that it didn’t take me 3 hours to post last night’s blog. Where did that time go? I can’t remember doing anything then other than posting. I am guessing that I stared off for a while and didn’t know it. I have no idea. I just know that there are about 2 hours of time that need accounting for.
The other thing bothering me right now is that I am shaking. My hands are trembling in an embarrassing way. I am part enthralled by it and part afraid of it. I find myself looking at my hands shake and then quickly putting them down so as not to see them. It is not abnormal for me to shake, but this shaking is on a level all of its own.
I am typing on a laptop and using the mousepad is nearly impossible. It took me FOREVER to get the mouse where I needed it to go in order to open up Internet Explorer. I am shaking too much to control where my fingers are trying to tell the cursor to go. Is this because I need coffee or because I haven’t taken the Zyban?
I am going to take a shower, get some coffee and see how the rest of the day goes.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Day 17, I'm Done
I am pretty sure that today is my last day of taking Zyban. It is not helping me quit and it is making me feel disengaged. I want to go back to being myself and know that my ups and downs are real and not chemically induced. I had myself in a tizzy yesterday over nothing. I feel blank while walking down the street. I am in a constant daze/trance which is hard when you’re suppose to pay attention while weaving in and out of the 8 million people walking all willy-nilly in a hurry to get to whatever is so important.
These people seem to be popping out of nowhere. I walk in a daze and snap out of it to the surprise of someone being in my way that I wasn’t aware of before. But they were there the whole time. They are moments of blindness really. Only, my eyes can see but they will not transmit the images into thoughts in my brain.
My face is expressionless and has been for a couple of days. Unless I am in conversation with someone, I am not available. I do not exist. While in conversation, I realize I’m there and slowly become more and more animate and jovial. I cannot be engaged in conversation all day though. If I weren’t typing right now, I’d be nothing. My dog, which is sitting next to me, would be home alone.
I can’t even keep my eyes focused on this screen. I keep looking off to the side and have to force myself back.
I feel as though these pills are little switches or buttons that put me on autopilot. I am just a vessel now.
At least I am aware of all this. I read back at my postings the past couple of days and it’s up and down, up and down. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. I thought I could give it more time but I want myself back. I want to be confident in that what is me is me. Right now, I don’t feel like there is a “me”. I feel nobody. Empty.
I know that these thoughts are odd and not normal for me. I want out. And I can’t get this chemical out of my body fast enough. I just took my second pill two hours ago so I guess it will be a while.
I am sitting at home on a Friday night when I could be out socializing with many friends. People are calling me to meet up and I have been telling them that I am going to take a nap. I am uninterested. But I shouldn’t be. I could be out having fun right now, and I know it, but I am still here. If I weren’t typing, I’d probably be laying down staring at my ceiling.
On top of declining invites from friends for this evening, I opted out of my boyfriend’s father’s birthday dinner. That was fairly rude if you ask me.
My sentiments toward my boyfriend are parallel with my sentiments toward my dog. I keep looking at my dog and feeling empty and absolutely nothing when I usually would obsess over him and play with him until he grew tired of me. This feeling has been growing for the past couple of days. I was petting him yesterday and felt this overwhelming sense of joy and realized I hadn’t felt that in a while. But now, he’s just a vessel too.
I can question whether or not my disinterest in my boyfriend is real or if it is because of the Zyban.
I cannot question my disinterest toward my dog.
A dog is incapable of affecting an opinion the way a human can. A dog’s a dog. I cannot pick him apart and drive myself crazy about it because a dog is too simple and, thus, incapable of causing the mental anguish a human is capable of. It’s the Zyban that’s making me numb to my dog. Poor guy.
I want to care about both of them again. Or, at least not question my feelings because of a chemical I put in my system.
As of now, I will not be using Zyban beginning tomorrow. This is due to change as I am in a “state” right now. I will still post but I am sure the posts will be more about going back to myself and alternative quit methods. Perhaps Chantix once enough time has passed? Oi. We’ll see. I’ll give the patch another shot.
In honor of my sadness over not being in love with my dog, I will post a photo so you can understand how difficult it would to be to NOT be obsessed with him! Ha! I almost tried a joke of some sort. Maybe there’s something left in me right now? Maybe I’m not as empty as my head is telling me to feel?
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I have to lighten up.
I’ll probably take a nap now and feel 100% better.
These people seem to be popping out of nowhere. I walk in a daze and snap out of it to the surprise of someone being in my way that I wasn’t aware of before. But they were there the whole time. They are moments of blindness really. Only, my eyes can see but they will not transmit the images into thoughts in my brain.
My face is expressionless and has been for a couple of days. Unless I am in conversation with someone, I am not available. I do not exist. While in conversation, I realize I’m there and slowly become more and more animate and jovial. I cannot be engaged in conversation all day though. If I weren’t typing right now, I’d be nothing. My dog, which is sitting next to me, would be home alone.
I can’t even keep my eyes focused on this screen. I keep looking off to the side and have to force myself back.
I feel as though these pills are little switches or buttons that put me on autopilot. I am just a vessel now.
At least I am aware of all this. I read back at my postings the past couple of days and it’s up and down, up and down. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. I thought I could give it more time but I want myself back. I want to be confident in that what is me is me. Right now, I don’t feel like there is a “me”. I feel nobody. Empty.
I know that these thoughts are odd and not normal for me. I want out. And I can’t get this chemical out of my body fast enough. I just took my second pill two hours ago so I guess it will be a while.
I am sitting at home on a Friday night when I could be out socializing with many friends. People are calling me to meet up and I have been telling them that I am going to take a nap. I am uninterested. But I shouldn’t be. I could be out having fun right now, and I know it, but I am still here. If I weren’t typing, I’d probably be laying down staring at my ceiling.
On top of declining invites from friends for this evening, I opted out of my boyfriend’s father’s birthday dinner. That was fairly rude if you ask me.
My sentiments toward my boyfriend are parallel with my sentiments toward my dog. I keep looking at my dog and feeling empty and absolutely nothing when I usually would obsess over him and play with him until he grew tired of me. This feeling has been growing for the past couple of days. I was petting him yesterday and felt this overwhelming sense of joy and realized I hadn’t felt that in a while. But now, he’s just a vessel too.
I can question whether or not my disinterest in my boyfriend is real or if it is because of the Zyban.
I cannot question my disinterest toward my dog.
A dog is incapable of affecting an opinion the way a human can. A dog’s a dog. I cannot pick him apart and drive myself crazy about it because a dog is too simple and, thus, incapable of causing the mental anguish a human is capable of. It’s the Zyban that’s making me numb to my dog. Poor guy.
I want to care about both of them again. Or, at least not question my feelings because of a chemical I put in my system.
As of now, I will not be using Zyban beginning tomorrow. This is due to change as I am in a “state” right now. I will still post but I am sure the posts will be more about going back to myself and alternative quit methods. Perhaps Chantix once enough time has passed? Oi. We’ll see. I’ll give the patch another shot.
In honor of my sadness over not being in love with my dog, I will post a photo so you can understand how difficult it would to be to NOT be obsessed with him! Ha! I almost tried a joke of some sort. Maybe there’s something left in me right now? Maybe I’m not as empty as my head is telling me to feel?
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I have to lighten up.
I’ll probably take a nap now and feel 100% better.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 16
I am not sure how much longer I am going to take Zyban/Wellbutrin. I am fairly positive it is making me depressed. Maybe it’s just my job though? Once I got home from work and met up with a friend, I was happier than ever.
A recruiter I had worked with in the past contacted me today about an opportunity. I told him I would entertain it. We’ll see though. I don’t have any opinion or hopes about it in one way or another.
I think this medicine is making me anxious too. Today, I somehow convinced myself that I would be fired tomorrow. Hopefully my instincts are not correct. It would be pretty embarrassing to get fired. God, I am even cringing at the thought of it. However, it’s scary that that thought came to me. Where did it come from? My instincts in the past have always been right… This drug is making me sad and paranoid.
We’ll see…
My friend said I did not seem any different to her today. She encouraged me to stay on it for another week or so and give the gum or patches a try. She had actually taken Wellbutrin in the past (for depression though) and she liked it but thought it gave her too much energy.
She also stated that I needed to take a vacation. It’s funny how needing a vacation can be portrayed through one’s face and actions so easily. She read my mind. I have known that I’m due for a vacation for a while now. I must be even more past due than I thought if a friend is randomly pointing it out.
I think the Wellbutrin is making me need a vacation more than ever. Maybe I should just take a vacation from the Zyban? Haha. I just feel like I need to take a break from life for a second. Fall asleep for a few days and purge all of the stress inside of me out of me. Wake up cleansed and free of all of this debris bringing me down right now. Sit in a field for a weekend and stare at nothing in complete silence (well, except for crickets. I love crickets).
Maybe it’s time to try meditation…
OR, maybe I seriously need a vacation.
I am seriously considering discontinuing use if my mood remains this sullen.
A recruiter I had worked with in the past contacted me today about an opportunity. I told him I would entertain it. We’ll see though. I don’t have any opinion or hopes about it in one way or another.
I think this medicine is making me anxious too. Today, I somehow convinced myself that I would be fired tomorrow. Hopefully my instincts are not correct. It would be pretty embarrassing to get fired. God, I am even cringing at the thought of it. However, it’s scary that that thought came to me. Where did it come from? My instincts in the past have always been right… This drug is making me sad and paranoid.
We’ll see…
My friend said I did not seem any different to her today. She encouraged me to stay on it for another week or so and give the gum or patches a try. She had actually taken Wellbutrin in the past (for depression though) and she liked it but thought it gave her too much energy.
She also stated that I needed to take a vacation. It’s funny how needing a vacation can be portrayed through one’s face and actions so easily. She read my mind. I have known that I’m due for a vacation for a while now. I must be even more past due than I thought if a friend is randomly pointing it out.
I think the Wellbutrin is making me need a vacation more than ever. Maybe I should just take a vacation from the Zyban? Haha. I just feel like I need to take a break from life for a second. Fall asleep for a few days and purge all of the stress inside of me out of me. Wake up cleansed and free of all of this debris bringing me down right now. Sit in a field for a weekend and stare at nothing in complete silence (well, except for crickets. I love crickets).
Maybe it’s time to try meditation…
OR, maybe I seriously need a vacation.
I am seriously considering discontinuing use if my mood remains this sullen.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 15
Oi. I think I smoked on par today with how much I smoked before the Zyban.
I feel committed to quitting as much as my behavior eludes that I am not committed. It doesn’t help that I am in a “funk” either. All I wanted to do today was get out of my office and the best reason to frequently do so was to smoke. So I did.
Since I’ve been home from work, I’ve barely smoked.
My mood became a little better this evening after the gym. I did my full hour of cardio and then weights. It felt great. I wanted to keep going and felt almost euphoric.
Today, at work, dragged on and on though.
I am still concerned about my job. There have been a lot of closed doors lately and a few of my co-workers and I suspect that our managing director is leaving to start his own company. If this happens, people will flee and there will be a high level of disorganization. I am worried that I will be caught off guard. I wouldn’t go with him if he asked me either. I think I need to move into a large law firm again. It felt a lot more stable there (and I was coddled with benefits). I am certain my job concerns are not only due to the Zyban. I definitely think I would be best advised to find a new employer. It’s a tough time to do so though what with the year closing out and the holidays approaching.
I am glad that I haven’t had any extremely odd side effects with Zyban so far but it definitely doesn’t provide much to write about (well, other than my paranoia and doubts)!
I feel committed to quitting as much as my behavior eludes that I am not committed. It doesn’t help that I am in a “funk” either. All I wanted to do today was get out of my office and the best reason to frequently do so was to smoke. So I did.
Since I’ve been home from work, I’ve barely smoked.
My mood became a little better this evening after the gym. I did my full hour of cardio and then weights. It felt great. I wanted to keep going and felt almost euphoric.
Today, at work, dragged on and on though.
I am still concerned about my job. There have been a lot of closed doors lately and a few of my co-workers and I suspect that our managing director is leaving to start his own company. If this happens, people will flee and there will be a high level of disorganization. I am worried that I will be caught off guard. I wouldn’t go with him if he asked me either. I think I need to move into a large law firm again. It felt a lot more stable there (and I was coddled with benefits). I am certain my job concerns are not only due to the Zyban. I definitely think I would be best advised to find a new employer. It’s a tough time to do so though what with the year closing out and the holidays approaching.
I am glad that I haven’t had any extremely odd side effects with Zyban so far but it definitely doesn’t provide much to write about (well, other than my paranoia and doubts)!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 14
Wow. I have actually completed 2 full weeks on this stuff. In some ways it seems like I’ve been on it much longer and, in other ways, much shorter.
The taste was horrible again today. I should really quit calling it a taste though. It feels like burning your tongue on hot tea. Somehow, this discomfort does not make me want to quit smoking but it does make it so I am unable to complete an entire cigarette. It has been making my throat sore as well.
Another thing: I lost 2 pounds the first week on Zyban and then gained 3 pounds during the second week. I go all day without an urge to eat and then, in the evening, I can’t stop eating!
I know I mentioned possibly using the patch along with Zyban yesterday, but I am now considering the gum. I can’t actually chew gum (well, I can, it’s just painful) but I can suck on it. I think the gum would be a little more effective in helping me during those moments where it seems I am going crazy rather than wearing a patch all day. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
Aside from the smoking cessation, I think this pill is starting to make me feel a little less happy than I was last week. During week one, I felt great. Now? Not so much. I am thinking about all of the negative aspects of my job, focusing on them too much and looking to change employers (though I feel my concerns are legitimate). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.
Another thing I’ve been dwelling on is potentially moving out of NYC. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for the past year or so. I have been considering Chicago due to its proximity to my family and the market for legal career opportunities. I don’t necessarily need to stay in legal for what I do, but it would be the easiest and most logical move for me. I am torn between being closer to my family and moving to the West Coast. But again, unless I live in LA or Silicon Valley, the opportunities in legal are limited. I do not want to live in California (for the moment).
I must also point out that every couple of years I try to leave NYC and come back 2 weeks to a month later. This desire to move out of NYC usually means I need a vacation (in which I am definitely due).
And then… on top of my other concerns, I am started to pick apart my relationship with my boyfriend. This happens quite often but, this time, it seems like I may be on the verge of changing our status. It’s tough to know. My reasons for concern are superficial in certain ways (motivation, drive, responsibility, self-sufficiency, maturity, etc…) but very important. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’ve grown a lot and he’s stayed the same (and in actuality, I was already ahead of him when we met). How long do I wait for someone to grow up?
Blah blah blah. Dwell Dwell Dwell.
I really can’t trust my feelings right now because they correlate with beginning to take Zyban, an anti-depressant that sometimes makes people depressed. I hate thinking my feelings and thoughts aren’t true and that they are altered.
Eh. Let’s see how week 3 goes.
The taste was horrible again today. I should really quit calling it a taste though. It feels like burning your tongue on hot tea. Somehow, this discomfort does not make me want to quit smoking but it does make it so I am unable to complete an entire cigarette. It has been making my throat sore as well.
Another thing: I lost 2 pounds the first week on Zyban and then gained 3 pounds during the second week. I go all day without an urge to eat and then, in the evening, I can’t stop eating!
I know I mentioned possibly using the patch along with Zyban yesterday, but I am now considering the gum. I can’t actually chew gum (well, I can, it’s just painful) but I can suck on it. I think the gum would be a little more effective in helping me during those moments where it seems I am going crazy rather than wearing a patch all day. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
Aside from the smoking cessation, I think this pill is starting to make me feel a little less happy than I was last week. During week one, I felt great. Now? Not so much. I am thinking about all of the negative aspects of my job, focusing on them too much and looking to change employers (though I feel my concerns are legitimate). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.
Another thing I’ve been dwelling on is potentially moving out of NYC. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for the past year or so. I have been considering Chicago due to its proximity to my family and the market for legal career opportunities. I don’t necessarily need to stay in legal for what I do, but it would be the easiest and most logical move for me. I am torn between being closer to my family and moving to the West Coast. But again, unless I live in LA or Silicon Valley, the opportunities in legal are limited. I do not want to live in California (for the moment).
I must also point out that every couple of years I try to leave NYC and come back 2 weeks to a month later. This desire to move out of NYC usually means I need a vacation (in which I am definitely due).
And then… on top of my other concerns, I am started to pick apart my relationship with my boyfriend. This happens quite often but, this time, it seems like I may be on the verge of changing our status. It’s tough to know. My reasons for concern are superficial in certain ways (motivation, drive, responsibility, self-sufficiency, maturity, etc…) but very important. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’ve grown a lot and he’s stayed the same (and in actuality, I was already ahead of him when we met). How long do I wait for someone to grow up?
Blah blah blah. Dwell Dwell Dwell.
I really can’t trust my feelings right now because they correlate with beginning to take Zyban, an anti-depressant that sometimes makes people depressed. I hate thinking my feelings and thoughts aren’t true and that they are altered.
Eh. Let’s see how week 3 goes.
Monday, October 8, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 13
The only thing I have to report today is that cigarettes taste awful. It’s like a burning sensation more than a bad taste. It’s harsh, but I am still smoking anyway… I told myself I would take this in stride and see if the urge to smoke can decrease more before my next attempt to officially quit. I feel like I am not making progress on that front. I’ll give it a couple more days and see.
If the taste gets any more horrible, I can see that happening though. Right now, it’s unpleasant but tolerable. Remember? We never enjoyed the taste of cigarettes in the first place.
I am also contemplating going on patches + the Zyban. However, I will only try the patches again if my urge to smoke does not decrease in the next week. I dislike patches. They make me itch and leave marks on my skin.
I am about to go to bed. I have been exhausted for hours but had to watch the Yankees be eliminated by the Indians. I detest the Yankees (well, not so much the players, mainly the fans) but I still felt bad for them when they lost tonight. I was kind of hoping to see the Red Sox and Yankees again in the ALCS and then hope Boston won. I am not even a Red Sox fan either. I just like seeing Yankee fans suffer. Haha. Sorry. But really, what kind of “fan” boos their own players and even their manager?
I will be quiet now. I think I am on the verge of becoming delirious.
If the taste gets any more horrible, I can see that happening though. Right now, it’s unpleasant but tolerable. Remember? We never enjoyed the taste of cigarettes in the first place.
I am also contemplating going on patches + the Zyban. However, I will only try the patches again if my urge to smoke does not decrease in the next week. I dislike patches. They make me itch and leave marks on my skin.
I am about to go to bed. I have been exhausted for hours but had to watch the Yankees be eliminated by the Indians. I detest the Yankees (well, not so much the players, mainly the fans) but I still felt bad for them when they lost tonight. I was kind of hoping to see the Red Sox and Yankees again in the ALCS and then hope Boston won. I am not even a Red Sox fan either. I just like seeing Yankee fans suffer. Haha. Sorry. But really, what kind of “fan” boos their own players and even their manager?
I will be quiet now. I think I am on the verge of becoming delirious.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Day 12, p.m.
Well, I am about to go to sleep for the evening. I feel like every norm for this drug is the opposite for me right now. They say people often have problems sleeping –all I wanted to do today is sleep. They say people lose their appetite –all I wanted to do today was eat. What else? Eh. I think I am disgruntled and should be more positive. It may just be that I am tired though. I am normally a sour person when I am tired.
It was very hard for me to become motivated to do anything today. I would have preferred to stay in bed but knew I had things to do and that I would feel like garbage if I just sat around all day. A good thing is that, since I posted about my lethargy at the gym, I decided to push myself to the full hour today. Just as I expected, it wasn’t really a problem. I don’t mind exercising. I actually love it (except that I hate sweating). The first half hour gets me though. Somewhere between the 30 and 40 minute mark, I hit my stride and forget that I am actually moving quite quickly on a machine and going absolutely nowhere. I guess focusing so much on the first half hour and not committing to the entire hour upfront is where the problem lays.
I just worry that the Zyban is affecting my mentality in a bad way now (what with my gym struggles and desire to do nothing). As though it’s making me depressed and unmotivated… Who knows? It may just be today. My opinions on this drug and its effects definitely change quickly…
Regardless, I am still giving this drug a shot. I hope to great extents that its effects haven’t already plateaued for me. I am beginning to wonder if I should have tried the Chantix first… Too bad I am weary of drugs that have been approved by the FDA in the last 5-10 years and pharmaceutical companies in general. I am definitely interested in it but wish it had been around for a while longer…
I’ve had a few doctors push drugs at me that didn’t seem necessary and were relatively new and heavily marketed. One drug (that I declined to take) was taken off the shelves 2 months later. I’ve also been acquainted in various ways with the marketing techniques of certain pharmaceutical companies and understand the reasons/incentives for doctors pushing certain drugs at you. Thus, I am skeptical about everything. This includes Zyban/Wellbutrin.
I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. An absurd amount of mosquitoes have been around for the past few days (it was around 85 degrees today) and I am reluctant to sleep until I am confident they are all gone/dead!
It was very hard for me to become motivated to do anything today. I would have preferred to stay in bed but knew I had things to do and that I would feel like garbage if I just sat around all day. A good thing is that, since I posted about my lethargy at the gym, I decided to push myself to the full hour today. Just as I expected, it wasn’t really a problem. I don’t mind exercising. I actually love it (except that I hate sweating). The first half hour gets me though. Somewhere between the 30 and 40 minute mark, I hit my stride and forget that I am actually moving quite quickly on a machine and going absolutely nowhere. I guess focusing so much on the first half hour and not committing to the entire hour upfront is where the problem lays.
I just worry that the Zyban is affecting my mentality in a bad way now (what with my gym struggles and desire to do nothing). As though it’s making me depressed and unmotivated… Who knows? It may just be today. My opinions on this drug and its effects definitely change quickly…
Regardless, I am still giving this drug a shot. I hope to great extents that its effects haven’t already plateaued for me. I am beginning to wonder if I should have tried the Chantix first… Too bad I am weary of drugs that have been approved by the FDA in the last 5-10 years and pharmaceutical companies in general. I am definitely interested in it but wish it had been around for a while longer…
I’ve had a few doctors push drugs at me that didn’t seem necessary and were relatively new and heavily marketed. One drug (that I declined to take) was taken off the shelves 2 months later. I’ve also been acquainted in various ways with the marketing techniques of certain pharmaceutical companies and understand the reasons/incentives for doctors pushing certain drugs at you. Thus, I am skeptical about everything. This includes Zyban/Wellbutrin.
I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. An absurd amount of mosquitoes have been around for the past few days (it was around 85 degrees today) and I am reluctant to sleep until I am confident they are all gone/dead!
Day 12, a.m.
Everything is about the same for me this morning as it was yesterday. I am still smoking, my desire to smoke has decreased and I am still craving cigarettes from time to time.
Here’s something: My dependence on coffee seems to be back. I have been craving it like cigarettes for the past 5 days and it is no longer making me itchy. It does, however, increase my energy more than what it normally would have.
I was able to walk my dog over to a friend’s house who just came back from a 4 month stint in South Korea and Thailand yesterday, socialize with her and her family for a while and walk home without thinking about smoking. In fact, I knew I would be gone a long time and decided I wouldn’t need my cigarettes.
That’s a type of one of the small steps I need to focus on and enjoy.
The Zyban does work. I just have to figure out what extra steps are that I need to take myself to get off these cigarettes.
Another note is that, this weekend, when boyfriend has gone out to smoke (I don’t smoke in my home) he has come back smelling HORRIBLE. This means two things to me: 1) Wow, this must be what they’re talking about when they say Zyban makes people hate the smell of smoke, and 2) I think I need to go smoke so I can distract myself from the smell coming off of him by putting it on me too.
Am I insane? Where do I come up with these ideas? How do I rationalize relieving the discomfort of my disgustingly smelly boyfriend by immersing myself in the same thing that made him smell so bad in the first place? When he is sweaty and gross, do I try to make myself that way too? No. I stay way the hell away from him and tell him to go take a shower!
Another difference for me since taking Zyban is that I have been less stringent upon doing an hour of cardio at the gym. It’s become hard for me (mentally) to keep going. I want to stop at a ½ hour and am usually able to push myself to 45 minutes. I think it’s just a rut though. I feel that, in the back of my mind, I know once I push myself up to 1 hour again, I will always go that long (it makes me feel so good too). I hate that I’m stuck at the half hour mark though. It honestly seems like I’ve wasted my time going to the gym if I only do 30 minutes. It feels like only a warm-up.
Oh, and I’ve been grinding my teeth something fierce for the past few days. My jaw is aching from the grinding/TMJ and I am only able to eat soups and noodles right now. I can barely fit a spoon between my teeth right now ‘cause my jaw is so bad. My teeth hurt and I think I’ve given myself a cavity on one particular tooth that I have focused on destroying. Gah!
Here’s something: My dependence on coffee seems to be back. I have been craving it like cigarettes for the past 5 days and it is no longer making me itchy. It does, however, increase my energy more than what it normally would have.
I was able to walk my dog over to a friend’s house who just came back from a 4 month stint in South Korea and Thailand yesterday, socialize with her and her family for a while and walk home without thinking about smoking. In fact, I knew I would be gone a long time and decided I wouldn’t need my cigarettes.
That’s a type of one of the small steps I need to focus on and enjoy.
The Zyban does work. I just have to figure out what extra steps are that I need to take myself to get off these cigarettes.
Another note is that, this weekend, when boyfriend has gone out to smoke (I don’t smoke in my home) he has come back smelling HORRIBLE. This means two things to me: 1) Wow, this must be what they’re talking about when they say Zyban makes people hate the smell of smoke, and 2) I think I need to go smoke so I can distract myself from the smell coming off of him by putting it on me too.
Am I insane? Where do I come up with these ideas? How do I rationalize relieving the discomfort of my disgustingly smelly boyfriend by immersing myself in the same thing that made him smell so bad in the first place? When he is sweaty and gross, do I try to make myself that way too? No. I stay way the hell away from him and tell him to go take a shower!
Another difference for me since taking Zyban is that I have been less stringent upon doing an hour of cardio at the gym. It’s become hard for me (mentally) to keep going. I want to stop at a ½ hour and am usually able to push myself to 45 minutes. I think it’s just a rut though. I feel that, in the back of my mind, I know once I push myself up to 1 hour again, I will always go that long (it makes me feel so good too). I hate that I’m stuck at the half hour mark though. It honestly seems like I’ve wasted my time going to the gym if I only do 30 minutes. It feels like only a warm-up.
Oh, and I’ve been grinding my teeth something fierce for the past few days. My jaw is aching from the grinding/TMJ and I am only able to eat soups and noodles right now. I can barely fit a spoon between my teeth right now ‘cause my jaw is so bad. My teeth hurt and I think I’ve given myself a cavity on one particular tooth that I have focused on destroying. Gah!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Day 11, a.m.
Man I was in a foul mood yesterday! I am sure it was a combination of many things that put me there but, today, I feel a lot better.
I rescind my thoughts that the Zyban is no longer affecting me. It is. I just need to be more patient with it.
I keep reading all of these people’s accounts of quitting smoking with Zyban and they are saying things like “I lost the desire to quit after 3 days” “on Day 9 I smoked my last cigarette and never looked back”. When is it my turn (whine)?
I have decided to be a little more patient with this. I am giving it more time to set in. It definitely decreases my desire to smoke and maybe I need to be a little more relaxed about it… I feel like I am overanalyzing the efficiency of this product and, thus, making me obsess about cigarettes.
I am going to spend a little more time not wanting to smoke and finding happiness on those occasions where I decline a cigarette when I normally wouldn’t.
Hopefully, good things will come to those who wait in this case. Or, maybe I am just making another excuse/plan to delay my quit…?
I rescind my thoughts that the Zyban is no longer affecting me. It is. I just need to be more patient with it.
I keep reading all of these people’s accounts of quitting smoking with Zyban and they are saying things like “I lost the desire to quit after 3 days” “on Day 9 I smoked my last cigarette and never looked back”. When is it my turn (whine)?
I have decided to be a little more patient with this. I am giving it more time to set in. It definitely decreases my desire to smoke and maybe I need to be a little more relaxed about it… I feel like I am overanalyzing the efficiency of this product and, thus, making me obsess about cigarettes.
I am going to spend a little more time not wanting to smoke and finding happiness on those occasions where I decline a cigarette when I normally wouldn’t.
Hopefully, good things will come to those who wait in this case. Or, maybe I am just making another excuse/plan to delay my quit…?
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