Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm Quitting Again

I was coming home from a "leaving NYC party" last night, disgusted with cigarettes, ran out and bought nicotine patches instead of a pack.

One full day without.

Let's see how this round goes... Patches have never worked for me before; however, there are also a lot a differences in my current environment from past environments that may make this experience more successful.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Much Better

I have been feeling much better. Waking up in the morning with a weird, glowing feeling. I am not sure where it comes from. Actually, if anything, it makes me wonder how I can feel that good already after ending a 2.5-year relationship only two weeks ago. I question it. A lot. It's not just that I feel I should still be mourning, it's that I actually feel better than I recollect feeling in a long time --well, at that time of day! I am usually a belligerent grouch in the a.m.!


Other than waking up in the morning with a lack of miserable-ness, things are pretty “meh”. I am still have trouble concentrating at work and am frustrated with this city. Those are things I can work on.

I am thinking about trying to quit again. I am going to wait it out for a bit, but I would still like to be smoke-free by my birthday (I have 24 more days). I will try the patch again. If I fail, I will then consider other alternatives. I am a little nervous about taking pills again, however. My Zyban experience wasn’t all that horrible compared to other stories I’ve read, but I would never like to be in a position again where my thoughts could be that dark…

I also wonder a lot if my depression while on Zyban was accentuated from not being social. While on it, I opted to stay in a lot because I refused to drink and most of my social engagements involve drinking…

Who knows? I’ve definitely been more social since my breakup and I think that is affecting my mood positively. There are still a few friends I am mad at and, if I don’t let it go soon, I will probably end up disregarding them forever. I am unsure which of the two are a better choice at this point.
Let’s see how it goes.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Calming Down...

After a brief freakout, I think I am finally okay. I am not sure if this is to stay or not as I have had other ups before only to come back down...

After an insane post (which I removed), a regular reader commented that if I wasn't this crazy before Zyban, I should probably seek medical attention... It's hard to say if I was or not :) I know I was in a very frustrated, sad and also intoxicated state when I posted and have a legit reason to feel emotionally exhausted and depressed right now but it's tough to question whether or not my emotions are charged or accentuated by my recent use of Zyban.

Let's hope not. I would hate to be this way unnaturally and forever. I would also like to refrain from seeing a doctor for fear that I will be prescribed another mind-altering drug...

Oh, and smoking? Forget about it. I am smoking more than ever right now but am concentrating on other things right now. Smoking is going to have to be an obstacle to overcome at a later date. I want to feel strong again before I even think about adding the extra stress...

Thursday, October 25, 2007


I'm a wreck and still smoking quite a bit. I went to work on Monday, stayed home vomiting on Tuesday and went in to work late feeling nauseous all day today.

Talk about anxiety. The funny thing is, my level of anxiousness is still very low when compared to those couple of days after stopping Zyban.

Even though I've probably slept for 55 of the past 72 hours, I've managed to smoke more than a pack a day in the past 3 days.

I want back to normal, to get that sick feeling out of my stomach and to be able to hold food down. Wake up and have more than 5 seconds of feeling good until reality hits me and I get sick again.

I've prepared myself for this breakup and am not surprised about my level of emotion (whereas I have been in the past). It just sucks. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. Maybe someday it will but, regardless, who he is right now is not what I want. Whether it will or will not work out at some point, I will ultimately have what I want –whether with him or someone else. It's hard not speaking to him since Sunday when we've talked 5+ times a day for the past 2.5 years.

It's even harder that there was little animosity going into this. In some ways, I wish I had something to hate him for right now to make it a little easier. That's stupid, I know. Anguish is anguish, whether it's caused by anger or absence. I am very frustrated, however, because he is perfect in every way except for his ability to grow up (some extreme Peter Pan Syndrome). This was entirely avoidable. It is frustrating and it hurts to think about it this way.

I should probably change blogs since I seem to be uninterested in quitting now.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

"You are bigger than your biggest feeling and your darkest hour will only last 60 minutes"

day 25

Things suck right now. My boyfriend and I pretty much broke up today. It's tough because when I met him, I thought we were perfect for each other. In a lot of ways, we are. I just grew and he did not.

I didn't think I'd ever be with any one else ever again.

It's so hard. I am more distraught over how poorly I treated him than anything else. He is so sweet and all I can focus on is what he's doing with his life. He has given me a lot of love that I've brushed aside.

I do not think the loss of his day to day company has set in much yet because this all came about a short while ago.


Who knows what will happen.

Smoking more now than anything.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Day 24

I missed another day of posting. My apologies. I have taken steps to cut back on smoking. I am at about half a pack a day without the assistance of Zyban. I feel relatively normal compared to a week ago. I think I have most of the Zyban out of my system. I am still slightly anxious but at least I don’t feel like I am going to vomit at any second!

One thing I noticed yesterday was that I had two beers and felt wrecked. Not necessarily extremely drunk, but a little sloppy and unable to stay awake. Two beers rarely do anything to me. On a night where I’m out for a long time, I can have 6 or so and I will go home feeling close to normal and wake up the next day feeling fine. I never feel sloppy when I have beer. I am always relatively in control. Certain liquors on the other hand…

I woke up very thirsty today but, other than that, I was fine.

I am not sure if the 2 beer phenomenon is related to not drinking for 3 weeks, the Zyban, or both. Either way, it’s something I will have to remain aware of. The good thing is, just as I felt overly intoxicated off of two beers, I was not inclined to drink any more. I had no interest in it and felt very full.

I will be making more steps to completely quit smoking soon. I hope I will be completely prepared this time. Probably will read the Easy Way book again, too.

I keep hearing more and more praise about Chantix lately. People really seem to like that drug. I am still kind of scared of it, but in hindsight, I wish I had chosen Chantix over the Wellbutrin first. My fear of its “newness” is less than my fear of Zyban at this point.

I had never thought my mind could end up in the places it did right before I stopped taking that drug.

I like the idea that Chantix blocks your nicotine receptors. I think that is key.

I hear people gain a lot of weight on it though… Does anyone have firsthand experience with that? The weight gain alone would prevent me from even considering it. I am not in a position where I can gain weight right now.