Agh.

I'm a wreck and still smoking quite a bit. I went to work on Monday, stayed home vomiting on Tuesday and went in to work late feeling nauseous all day today.

Talk about anxiety. The funny thing is, my level of anxiousness is still very low when compared to those couple of days after stopping Zyban.

Even though I've probably slept for 55 of the past 72 hours, I've managed to smoke more than a pack a day in the past 3 days.

I want back to normal, to get that sick feeling out of my stomach and to be able to hold food down. Wake up and have more than 5 seconds of feeling good until reality hits me and I get sick again.

I've prepared myself for this breakup and am not surprised about my level of emotion (whereas I have been in the past). It just sucks. I miss him and wish it could have worked out. Maybe someday it will but, regardless, who he is right now is not what I want. Whether it will or will not work out at some point, I will ultimately have what I want –whether with him or someone else. It's hard not speaking to him since Sunday when we've talked 5+ times a day for the past 2.5 years.

It's even harder that there was little animosity going into this. In some ways, I wish I had something to hate him for right now to make it a little easier. That's stupid, I know. Anguish is anguish, whether it's caused by anger or absence. I am very frustrated, however, because he is perfect in every way except for his ability to grow up (some extreme Peter Pan Syndrome). This was entirely avoidable. It is frustrating and it hurts to think about it this way.

I should probably change blogs since I seem to be uninterested in quitting now.