Monday, October 15, 2007

Day 20

I didn’t want to post tonight but knew I would feel bad about it tomorrow and be obliged to make some sort of excuse or regret it.

It took forever for me to get out of bed this morning. I ended up getting up 10 minutes before I needed to leave. Mind you, I was awake for a long time. I just didn’t want to get up. I lay there thinking of reasons to not possibly go into work. Too bad/Good thing I had 6 meetings today. I couldn’t avoid those.

I arrived at work very anxious and that continued throughout the day. Nauseous ALL day long with moments where I was short of breath and thought, that was it –I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

I felt like I was on a verge of an anxiety attack at any moment.
I am miserable.
I can’t stand this.

I can’t tell if it’s the Zyban or my boyfriend issues. It’s like the chicken and the egg dilemma. The thing about my anxiety is that whenever I speak with someone it’s eased but as soon as I am with only myself, it’s nausea, trouble breathing and headache.

I have only felt anxiety to this extent two or three times before in my life. They all revolve around a loss.

I haven’t lost anything. (yet?)

I have lesser forms of anxiety all of the time. My teeth are ground to nubs for my age due to this. I am a planner, perfectionist, reflector --thus, a worrier.

On a brighter note, I have smoked less today even without the Zyban. I think it’s mostly because I have no desire to do anything; especially get up the energy to go outside and smoke. So if all of these feelings are because of the Zyban, I guess it is still helping me quit smoking even though I am no longer taking it.

Why is my sadness increasing when I haven’t taken the Zyban since Friday? How long is it going to take to get this garbage out of my brain?


cb1 said...

Just to let you know I haven't gone away, still reading daily, first thing in the morning. But haven't had time to comment. & still hoping that you're going to be okay.

Been spending a lot of my (little enough) non-work time making job applications! Hence, no time for anything else. But as this morning I was up at 5am ... (yeah, really), am taking time to check in with you.

Like "anonymous" yesterday I too am willing you to get well again.

As for me, the Zyban has stopped working at all now. I'm back to my normal smoking/stressing state. Yesterday I cut back to one Zyban and will probably come off altogether by the end of the week. I'm obviously a bit concerned because of the reaction that you seem to have had when you stopped. I don't want to be any more miserable/stressed than I already am (with work etc.)

Of course I also feel like a failure with regard to the stopping smoking, and I was so determined. Yesterday I was looking for a health spa that might have a stop smoking week - I have the feeling that I just need to get away in order to be able to concentrate solely on stopping. I eventually found one (in Scotland), but when I enquired apparently the person who ran the programme has left! Great!

There has to be a way.

Hope your day goes better today.

Chris, London, 6.30am

And so it goes... said...

Hi Chris,

When you say "making job applications," does that mean you're looking for a new job?

Are you still trying to ween off te Zyban? It really seemed like it was working for you but I guess if it's not working anymore, what's the point?

I don't think you should feel like a failure. I think, for both of us, when it's time to quit, it will happen.

Now's just not the right time and Zyban wasn't the right type of "assistance".

How many years have you been smoking by the way? I can't remember if you mentioned that?

cb1 said...

I've been smoking for over 30 years, I actually started much younger than you did - when I was about 12. Unfortunately it's something that I've always done, apart from a few quit attempts which lasted from three weeks to maybe two months, both times I put on the most incredible amounts of weight. Hence, why the Zyban would have been ideal for me!

Yes, I am looking for a new job - it's hard work! But I'm optimistic and looking forward to finding the right job for me. I thought I had found it about a year and a half ago, but it's not working out.

I find job-hunting quite stressful, particularly interviews. So maybe once I'm settled somewhere new, I will think again about stopping smoking. I just hope that it's not going to be a long drawn out process to find something new.

Chris, London, 7am

And so it goes... said...

30 years! Wow.

Do you think it's interesting that we both started new jobs prior to Zyban and the both questioned whether we wanted to keep them?

I do.

Job hunting IS hard.

Since being off the Zyban, work has become more tolerable. I am able to look more on the bright side of things and I can put up with it.

Are you completely off the drug now or are you on one a day still?