Tuesday, October 9, 2007

My Zyban Experience, Day 14

Wow. I have actually completed 2 full weeks on this stuff. In some ways it seems like I’ve been on it much longer and, in other ways, much shorter.

The taste was horrible again today. I should really quit calling it a taste though. It feels like burning your tongue on hot tea. Somehow, this discomfort does not make me want to quit smoking but it does make it so I am unable to complete an entire cigarette. It has been making my throat sore as well.

Another thing: I lost 2 pounds the first week on Zyban and then gained 3 pounds during the second week. I go all day without an urge to eat and then, in the evening, I can’t stop eating!

I know I mentioned possibly using the patch along with Zyban yesterday, but I am now considering the gum. I can’t actually chew gum (well, I can, it’s just painful) but I can suck on it. I think the gum would be a little more effective in helping me during those moments where it seems I am going crazy rather than wearing a patch all day. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

Aside from the smoking cessation, I think this pill is starting to make me feel a little less happy than I was last week. During week one, I felt great. Now? Not so much. I am thinking about all of the negative aspects of my job, focusing on them too much and looking to change employers (though I feel my concerns are legitimate). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.

Another thing I’ve been dwelling on is potentially moving out of NYC. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for the past year or so. I have been considering Chicago due to its proximity to my family and the market for legal career opportunities. I don’t necessarily need to stay in legal for what I do, but it would be the easiest and most logical move for me. I am torn between being closer to my family and moving to the West Coast. But again, unless I live in LA or Silicon Valley, the opportunities in legal are limited. I do not want to live in California (for the moment).

I must also point out that every couple of years I try to leave NYC and come back 2 weeks to a month later. This desire to move out of NYC usually means I need a vacation (in which I am definitely due).

And then… on top of my other concerns, I am started to pick apart my relationship with my boyfriend. This happens quite often but, this time, it seems like I may be on the verge of changing our status. It’s tough to know. My reasons for concern are superficial in certain ways (motivation, drive, responsibility, self-sufficiency, maturity, etc…) but very important. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’ve grown a lot and he’s stayed the same (and in actuality, I was already ahead of him when we met). How long do I wait for someone to grow up?

Blah blah blah. Dwell Dwell Dwell.

I really can’t trust my feelings right now because they correlate with beginning to take Zyban, an anti-depressant that sometimes makes people depressed. I hate thinking my feelings and thoughts aren’t true and that they are altered.

Eh. Let’s see how week 3 goes.


cb1 said...

Quick response this morning, I actually lay in bed till 7am, after hitting the snooze button three times! I'm normally up at six, smoking and drinking coffee! I don't think I've ever stayed in bed till 7 ... ever!

I think it's great that you recognise not to trust your feelings right now because it could be the Zyban, but then everything that you said looks like you're planning positive steps to me.

But yeah, wait until your emotions have settled down and you know that they're your true emotions, if you feel the same post-Zyban then you should do it.

I'm now getting the strange dreams ... which I seem to be able to remember every part of my dream, but am forgetting things that I should remember while I'm awake. This is not good.

Have a great day.

Chris, London, 7.20am (now in a rush to get to work...)

And so it goes... said...

Haha at you "sleeping in" until 7am! I've been complaining since I began a new job back in June that I now have to wake up at 7! I use to wake up at 830 to get to work by 930 (at the job I now apparently 'oh so miss')...

As I've mentioned before, I am quite partial toward sleep :)

You're becoming forgetful now? Had you been forgetful at all during the past 2 weeks? I had been during the first couple of days but nothing since... Now I am worried that it could come back for me!

Forgetfulness, I cannot have.

Did you do anything, like sleep with a nicotine patch, that could have helped you have the strange dreams?

I never seem to dream (or atleast remember them) and dreaming doesn't seem to have been affected by the Zyban at this point.