Sunday, October 14, 2007

My Zyban Experience, Day 19

Today was my second day with absolutely zero Zyban. Overall, my health feels fine. My head, however, is not so great. I felt absolutely miserable all day. I was on the verge of tears pretty much every second. I did actually cry a little bit and decided to go to the gym to see if the endorphins could cheer me up. My eyes were welling up while walking there. Once there, I got in a “zone” for the first 45 minutes. They seemed to go by without realizing it. The last 15 minutes were horrible though. They dragged on and on and I felt like I was going to pass out for the rest of the time.

When I walked home I felt like it was the first time I exercised in years. I was so winded and sick to my stomach.

I am at home now and ready to go to sleep.

I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow because all I feel like doing right now is wallowing.

I am not concentrating on not smoking at the moment. I’m more focused on getting my head together.

Hopefully, I will snap out of it tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

OMG...I can't believe I'm posting on a complete stranger's blog about something that is NONE of my business.... But here it goes....

I have taken Zyban off and on for mild depression from childhood trauma. I know that the side effects are more obvious at first. I have felt everything you have felt, but didn't really ever have any side effects when stopping.

I'm wondering if you have entertained the thought that something OTHER than the Zyban could be causing anxiety / depression. You seemed to hit a pinacle in the middle where things were going well....the cigarettes were not as satisfying to you anymore, coffee was not as much of a craving, you were seemingly coming out of a fog of the situation with your boyfriend (possibly something that you needed to deal with but were too anxious / depressed / preoccupied to think about clearly before) etc.

Is it possible that cutting back on the nicotine and caffeine could have brought the increased anxiety and depression on rather than the zyban not working anymore? I know that when my friends have tried to quit without zyban, they go through MAJOR anxiety issues when cutting back on nicotine. When I myself have cut back on coffee, I get sleepy and feel less energetic, etc.

I just don't want you to give up! (I've been cheering you on silently through 19 days of this blog!) A month or two of zyban is FAR less toxic to your body than years of smoking. Zyban is temporary. Smoking and all the ills that come with it are more long-term.

BTW, fwiw, although I've taken Wellbutrin for depression associated with childhood trauma, I am a normal human being in a healthy relationship with 2 wonderful kids. I am a professional who has a masters' degree. I just don't want you to think that you have to be insane to take a "mind-altering" drug. I have found it very helpful in seeing things more clearly than ever the light that others see it, but is sometimes clouded in negativity when I am not taking Wellbutrin.

Best of luck to you. I'll still be your silent cheering section even if you choose another method. But PLEASE keep trying!

And so it goes... said...

Thanks "anonymous". There's no need to be shy about commenting on a blog! I like hearing other people's stories and opinions. I really don't know what to think right now... I understand what you're saying. A large part of me wanted to keep giving it time, but honestly, I reached a point in my head that scared the hell out of me.

I really wanted it to help me stop smoking and for the first week it seemed like it was helping me in a lot of other ways too.

People keep telling me that it takes a while to set in, etc. but right before I stopped, my mind went places it never went before and that scared me.

I am glad that it's worked out well for you. I've heard mixed results from people I've seeked out. It either helped them a lot or increased their depression.

The coffee cravings came back last week and I was drinking a bit more than in the beginning when I didn't want it at all... that could increase my anxiety...

The boyfriend/fog thing you mentioned really interests me. I am going to have to contemplate that. It's quite insightful and potentially true. I will think about it and see where it goes. Never thought depression would help me ignore those feelings, but maybe that's the case?

I just want to feel better now and know that my thoughts are what I'm use to!

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