Friday, October 12, 2007

Day 17, I'm Done

I am pretty sure that today is my last day of taking Zyban. It is not helping me quit and it is making me feel disengaged. I want to go back to being myself and know that my ups and downs are real and not chemically induced. I had myself in a tizzy yesterday over nothing. I feel blank while walking down the street. I am in a constant daze/trance which is hard when you’re suppose to pay attention while weaving in and out of the 8 million people walking all willy-nilly in a hurry to get to whatever is so important.

These people seem to be popping out of nowhere. I walk in a daze and snap out of it to the surprise of someone being in my way that I wasn’t aware of before. But they were there the whole time. They are moments of blindness really. Only, my eyes can see but they will not transmit the images into thoughts in my brain.

My face is expressionless and has been for a couple of days. Unless I am in conversation with someone, I am not available. I do not exist. While in conversation, I realize I’m there and slowly become more and more animate and jovial. I cannot be engaged in conversation all day though. If I weren’t typing right now, I’d be nothing. My dog, which is sitting next to me, would be home alone.

I can’t even keep my eyes focused on this screen. I keep looking off to the side and have to force myself back.

I feel as though these pills are little switches or buttons that put me on autopilot. I am just a vessel now.

At least I am aware of all this. I read back at my postings the past couple of days and it’s up and down, up and down. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. I thought I could give it more time but I want myself back. I want to be confident in that what is me is me. Right now, I don’t feel like there is a “me”. I feel nobody. Empty.

I know that these thoughts are odd and not normal for me. I want out. And I can’t get this chemical out of my body fast enough. I just took my second pill two hours ago so I guess it will be a while.

I am sitting at home on a Friday night when I could be out socializing with many friends. People are calling me to meet up and I have been telling them that I am going to take a nap. I am uninterested. But I shouldn’t be. I could be out having fun right now, and I know it, but I am still here. If I weren’t typing, I’d probably be laying down staring at my ceiling.

On top of declining invites from friends for this evening, I opted out of my boyfriend’s father’s birthday dinner. That was fairly rude if you ask me.

My sentiments toward my boyfriend are parallel with my sentiments toward my dog. I keep looking at my dog and feeling empty and absolutely nothing when I usually would obsess over him and play with him until he grew tired of me. This feeling has been growing for the past couple of days. I was petting him yesterday and felt this overwhelming sense of joy and realized I hadn’t felt that in a while. But now, he’s just a vessel too.

I can question whether or not my disinterest in my boyfriend is real or if it is because of the Zyban.

I cannot question my disinterest toward my dog.

A dog is incapable of affecting an opinion the way a human can. A dog’s a dog. I cannot pick him apart and drive myself crazy about it because a dog is too simple and, thus, incapable of causing the mental anguish a human is capable of. It’s the Zyban that’s making me numb to my dog. Poor guy.

I want to care about both of them again. Or, at least not question my feelings because of a chemical I put in my system.

As of now, I will not be using Zyban beginning tomorrow. This is due to change as I am in a “state” right now. I will still post but I am sure the posts will be more about going back to myself and alternative quit methods. Perhaps Chantix once enough time has passed? Oi. We’ll see. I’ll give the patch another shot.

In honor of my sadness over not being in love with my dog, I will post a photo so you can understand how difficult it would to be to NOT be obsessed with him! Ha! I almost tried a joke of some sort. Maybe there’s something left in me right now? Maybe I’m not as empty as my head is telling me to feel?

I have to lighten up.

I’ll probably take a nap now and feel 100% better.


cb1 said...

I don't know what to say.

I cannot believe that you are feeling so bad, and so sad, this really is the saddest.

I do hope that you have now woken up and feel better. And I agree that you should stop the Zyban. It's just not worth it.

This drug really is so powerful, to actually change people's personality (which you know, I feel that I've changed from a Type A - Driven, High Stress, High Achieving) to whatever the opposite of that is.

And yet, while it's a nice reprieve for a while (a bit like taking a break from being me) right now, I too am not who I really am.

Your dog is so cute and he needs "the real you". Stopping smoking can wait. I will be thinking of you today and hope that you are okay. I hope you're going to carry on posting, I want to know that you get better/back to normal.

I don't think I will continue that much longer, I haven't stopped smoking, so there has to be another way.

Wishing you well.

Chris, London 7.30am

cb1 said...

I just wanted to add something else. I've just come back from the shop and as I was driving I was thinking about you and your dog and felt almost unbearably sad. And just below the surface of that sadness is anger, I feel so angry that smoking can actually drive us to take such a drug in desperation to stop. I hate smoking so much now. But still can't seem to stop it.

I've been on a real smoking "bender" this morning, compared to others over the past couple of weeks. Not because of this, but because I need to get some work done and don't seem to be able to do it without my nicotine boosts. That is, all the work that I've been too laid back to do all week.

Also, for the first day in several days I woke up desperate for a cigarette, it's almost as if the "switch off" that was there has suddenly gone.

This whole thing is s**t really.

I really hope you're having a good day and playing with that dog!

Chris, London, 11.30

And so it goes... said...

Thanks Chris,

I canbot really agree that it has helped me relax a little bit... Well, maybe it has depending on how you look at it. There are times where I feel completely unaltered and times when I just don't care.

I am a very particular person. To not care is a big deal. But it's more than not caring... It's not "being" there to care.

The Zyban is definitely helping you cut back so that is good. This drug seems to work for a lot of people. If it was helping me quit, I'd probably be a little more patient with my saddness (though I feel better off this way right now).

As far as my dog goes, it kind of hurts me writing about not caring about him. I know it's wrong and feel bad stating it. Stating it makes it real...

He's a cutey. I think he knows somethings up 'cause he has been keeping lots of company even though I regularily seem to ignore him.

We'll be back to normal soon I hope! I don't want to make him depressed too!