Thursday, October 4, 2007

My Zyban Experience, Day 9

It’s day nine and my first official day of not smoking. I woke up this morning with no strong desire to smoke. Although, I did have an urge when I brought my dog outside. I quickly tuned off that thought as I felt good and decided I could go without. It was easy to get through the day at work as my occupation keeps me quite busy. There were a few sudden urges and they occurred at the same time I usually go downstairs to smoke. I easily turned away from those thoughts.

I think the Wellbutrin and Allen Carr have helped me with those aspects. Allen Carr put the argument in my head that I actually DO NOT enjoy smoking. I always thought I liked to smoke; however, Mr. Carr has a good point. I really do despise it and have always despised it --both while a non-smoker and a smoker. Interesting. It has been easier to fight an urge to smoke since I’ve realized that I actually do NOT like smoking, I just NEED to smoke for the nicotine. I have these visions of a little monster in my tummy angry with me, wanting nicotine. I am spiteful toward this monster and I am finding pleasure in making him suffer. Thank you Mr. Carr for providing me a mental image for the demon.

Now, with that I must say… it is now nighttime and I am at home. On my nightstand, the open pack of cigarettes I had walked away from last night contains 13 cigarettes and they are taunting me and consuming my mind. I know, I know… Why haven’t I thrown them out already?

For some reason I am unable to throw that pack of cigarettes away. I keep telling myself I feel like it’s a waste and would rather give the rest of the pack to a friend. In reality, I think I don’t actually believe I have quit. It’s as though I want to keep them around so they will be handy when I begin again.

I think I am struggling with accepting that I’ve made a decision to never smoke again. I cannot imagine that as a reality. I’m never going to have a cigarette again??? Why? I enjoy them (well, apparently, I do not). I am going to assume it is really my addiction to nicotine that is telling me to fear quitting.

That’s messed up, right?

I feel like, with this mindset, I am doomed to fail.

The fact that I already think I am doomed to fail is a bad sign, right?

Regardless, I still haven’t smoked. If not because I do not want to fail, then because there is an image of some little nicotine monster implanted in my brain and I want to annihilate it, tear it to shreds, and mostly, get him the hell out of my body. I hate that little thing and am glad it’s been clarified that I have never truly enjoyed smoking in the first place.

I wonder how long this will last?

I am off to the gym for now. If I have the time, I will probably post later this evening.

Wish me luck in abstaining!

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