I am not sure how much longer I am going to take Zyban/Wellbutrin. I am fairly positive it is making me depressed. Maybe it’s just my job though? Once I got home from work and met up with a friend, I was happier than ever.
A recruiter I had worked with in the past contacted me today about an opportunity. I told him I would entertain it. We’ll see though. I don’t have any opinion or hopes about it in one way or another.
I think this medicine is making me anxious too. Today, I somehow convinced myself that I would be fired tomorrow. Hopefully my instincts are not correct. It would be pretty embarrassing to get fired. God, I am even cringing at the thought of it. However, it’s scary that that thought came to me. Where did it come from? My instincts in the past have always been right… This drug is making me sad and paranoid.
We’ll see…
My friend said I did not seem any different to her today. She encouraged me to stay on it for another week or so and give the gum or patches a try. She had actually taken Wellbutrin in the past (for depression though) and she liked it but thought it gave her too much energy.
She also stated that I needed to take a vacation. It’s funny how needing a vacation can be portrayed through one’s face and actions so easily. She read my mind. I have known that I’m due for a vacation for a while now. I must be even more past due than I thought if a friend is randomly pointing it out.
I think the Wellbutrin is making me need a vacation more than ever. Maybe I should just take a vacation from the Zyban? Haha. I just feel like I need to take a break from life for a second. Fall asleep for a few days and purge all of the stress inside of me out of me. Wake up cleansed and free of all of this debris bringing me down right now. Sit in a field for a weekend and stare at nothing in complete silence (well, except for crickets. I love crickets).
Maybe it’s time to try meditation…
OR, maybe I seriously need a vacation.
I am seriously considering discontinuing use if my mood remains this sullen.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 15
Oi. I think I smoked on par today with how much I smoked before the Zyban.
I feel committed to quitting as much as my behavior eludes that I am not committed. It doesn’t help that I am in a “funk” either. All I wanted to do today was get out of my office and the best reason to frequently do so was to smoke. So I did.
Since I’ve been home from work, I’ve barely smoked.
My mood became a little better this evening after the gym. I did my full hour of cardio and then weights. It felt great. I wanted to keep going and felt almost euphoric.
Today, at work, dragged on and on though.
I am still concerned about my job. There have been a lot of closed doors lately and a few of my co-workers and I suspect that our managing director is leaving to start his own company. If this happens, people will flee and there will be a high level of disorganization. I am worried that I will be caught off guard. I wouldn’t go with him if he asked me either. I think I need to move into a large law firm again. It felt a lot more stable there (and I was coddled with benefits). I am certain my job concerns are not only due to the Zyban. I definitely think I would be best advised to find a new employer. It’s a tough time to do so though what with the year closing out and the holidays approaching.
I am glad that I haven’t had any extremely odd side effects with Zyban so far but it definitely doesn’t provide much to write about (well, other than my paranoia and doubts)!
I feel committed to quitting as much as my behavior eludes that I am not committed. It doesn’t help that I am in a “funk” either. All I wanted to do today was get out of my office and the best reason to frequently do so was to smoke. So I did.
Since I’ve been home from work, I’ve barely smoked.
My mood became a little better this evening after the gym. I did my full hour of cardio and then weights. It felt great. I wanted to keep going and felt almost euphoric.
Today, at work, dragged on and on though.
I am still concerned about my job. There have been a lot of closed doors lately and a few of my co-workers and I suspect that our managing director is leaving to start his own company. If this happens, people will flee and there will be a high level of disorganization. I am worried that I will be caught off guard. I wouldn’t go with him if he asked me either. I think I need to move into a large law firm again. It felt a lot more stable there (and I was coddled with benefits). I am certain my job concerns are not only due to the Zyban. I definitely think I would be best advised to find a new employer. It’s a tough time to do so though what with the year closing out and the holidays approaching.
I am glad that I haven’t had any extremely odd side effects with Zyban so far but it definitely doesn’t provide much to write about (well, other than my paranoia and doubts)!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 14
Wow. I have actually completed 2 full weeks on this stuff. In some ways it seems like I’ve been on it much longer and, in other ways, much shorter.
The taste was horrible again today. I should really quit calling it a taste though. It feels like burning your tongue on hot tea. Somehow, this discomfort does not make me want to quit smoking but it does make it so I am unable to complete an entire cigarette. It has been making my throat sore as well.
Another thing: I lost 2 pounds the first week on Zyban and then gained 3 pounds during the second week. I go all day without an urge to eat and then, in the evening, I can’t stop eating!
I know I mentioned possibly using the patch along with Zyban yesterday, but I am now considering the gum. I can’t actually chew gum (well, I can, it’s just painful) but I can suck on it. I think the gum would be a little more effective in helping me during those moments where it seems I am going crazy rather than wearing a patch all day. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
Aside from the smoking cessation, I think this pill is starting to make me feel a little less happy than I was last week. During week one, I felt great. Now? Not so much. I am thinking about all of the negative aspects of my job, focusing on them too much and looking to change employers (though I feel my concerns are legitimate). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.
Another thing I’ve been dwelling on is potentially moving out of NYC. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for the past year or so. I have been considering Chicago due to its proximity to my family and the market for legal career opportunities. I don’t necessarily need to stay in legal for what I do, but it would be the easiest and most logical move for me. I am torn between being closer to my family and moving to the West Coast. But again, unless I live in LA or Silicon Valley, the opportunities in legal are limited. I do not want to live in California (for the moment).
I must also point out that every couple of years I try to leave NYC and come back 2 weeks to a month later. This desire to move out of NYC usually means I need a vacation (in which I am definitely due).
And then… on top of my other concerns, I am started to pick apart my relationship with my boyfriend. This happens quite often but, this time, it seems like I may be on the verge of changing our status. It’s tough to know. My reasons for concern are superficial in certain ways (motivation, drive, responsibility, self-sufficiency, maturity, etc…) but very important. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’ve grown a lot and he’s stayed the same (and in actuality, I was already ahead of him when we met). How long do I wait for someone to grow up?
Blah blah blah. Dwell Dwell Dwell.
I really can’t trust my feelings right now because they correlate with beginning to take Zyban, an anti-depressant that sometimes makes people depressed. I hate thinking my feelings and thoughts aren’t true and that they are altered.
Eh. Let’s see how week 3 goes.
The taste was horrible again today. I should really quit calling it a taste though. It feels like burning your tongue on hot tea. Somehow, this discomfort does not make me want to quit smoking but it does make it so I am unable to complete an entire cigarette. It has been making my throat sore as well.
Another thing: I lost 2 pounds the first week on Zyban and then gained 3 pounds during the second week. I go all day without an urge to eat and then, in the evening, I can’t stop eating!
I know I mentioned possibly using the patch along with Zyban yesterday, but I am now considering the gum. I can’t actually chew gum (well, I can, it’s just painful) but I can suck on it. I think the gum would be a little more effective in helping me during those moments where it seems I am going crazy rather than wearing a patch all day. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
Aside from the smoking cessation, I think this pill is starting to make me feel a little less happy than I was last week. During week one, I felt great. Now? Not so much. I am thinking about all of the negative aspects of my job, focusing on them too much and looking to change employers (though I feel my concerns are legitimate). Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.
Another thing I’ve been dwelling on is potentially moving out of NYC. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for the past year or so. I have been considering Chicago due to its proximity to my family and the market for legal career opportunities. I don’t necessarily need to stay in legal for what I do, but it would be the easiest and most logical move for me. I am torn between being closer to my family and moving to the West Coast. But again, unless I live in LA or Silicon Valley, the opportunities in legal are limited. I do not want to live in California (for the moment).
I must also point out that every couple of years I try to leave NYC and come back 2 weeks to a month later. This desire to move out of NYC usually means I need a vacation (in which I am definitely due).
And then… on top of my other concerns, I am started to pick apart my relationship with my boyfriend. This happens quite often but, this time, it seems like I may be on the verge of changing our status. It’s tough to know. My reasons for concern are superficial in certain ways (motivation, drive, responsibility, self-sufficiency, maturity, etc…) but very important. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and I’ve grown a lot and he’s stayed the same (and in actuality, I was already ahead of him when we met). How long do I wait for someone to grow up?
Blah blah blah. Dwell Dwell Dwell.
I really can’t trust my feelings right now because they correlate with beginning to take Zyban, an anti-depressant that sometimes makes people depressed. I hate thinking my feelings and thoughts aren’t true and that they are altered.
Eh. Let’s see how week 3 goes.
Monday, October 8, 2007
My Zyban Experience, Day 13
The only thing I have to report today is that cigarettes taste awful. It’s like a burning sensation more than a bad taste. It’s harsh, but I am still smoking anyway… I told myself I would take this in stride and see if the urge to smoke can decrease more before my next attempt to officially quit. I feel like I am not making progress on that front. I’ll give it a couple more days and see.
If the taste gets any more horrible, I can see that happening though. Right now, it’s unpleasant but tolerable. Remember? We never enjoyed the taste of cigarettes in the first place.
I am also contemplating going on patches + the Zyban. However, I will only try the patches again if my urge to smoke does not decrease in the next week. I dislike patches. They make me itch and leave marks on my skin.
I am about to go to bed. I have been exhausted for hours but had to watch the Yankees be eliminated by the Indians. I detest the Yankees (well, not so much the players, mainly the fans) but I still felt bad for them when they lost tonight. I was kind of hoping to see the Red Sox and Yankees again in the ALCS and then hope Boston won. I am not even a Red Sox fan either. I just like seeing Yankee fans suffer. Haha. Sorry. But really, what kind of “fan” boos their own players and even their manager?
I will be quiet now. I think I am on the verge of becoming delirious.
If the taste gets any more horrible, I can see that happening though. Right now, it’s unpleasant but tolerable. Remember? We never enjoyed the taste of cigarettes in the first place.
I am also contemplating going on patches + the Zyban. However, I will only try the patches again if my urge to smoke does not decrease in the next week. I dislike patches. They make me itch and leave marks on my skin.
I am about to go to bed. I have been exhausted for hours but had to watch the Yankees be eliminated by the Indians. I detest the Yankees (well, not so much the players, mainly the fans) but I still felt bad for them when they lost tonight. I was kind of hoping to see the Red Sox and Yankees again in the ALCS and then hope Boston won. I am not even a Red Sox fan either. I just like seeing Yankee fans suffer. Haha. Sorry. But really, what kind of “fan” boos their own players and even their manager?
I will be quiet now. I think I am on the verge of becoming delirious.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Day 12, p.m.
Well, I am about to go to sleep for the evening. I feel like every norm for this drug is the opposite for me right now. They say people often have problems sleeping –all I wanted to do today is sleep. They say people lose their appetite –all I wanted to do today was eat. What else? Eh. I think I am disgruntled and should be more positive. It may just be that I am tired though. I am normally a sour person when I am tired.
It was very hard for me to become motivated to do anything today. I would have preferred to stay in bed but knew I had things to do and that I would feel like garbage if I just sat around all day. A good thing is that, since I posted about my lethargy at the gym, I decided to push myself to the full hour today. Just as I expected, it wasn’t really a problem. I don’t mind exercising. I actually love it (except that I hate sweating). The first half hour gets me though. Somewhere between the 30 and 40 minute mark, I hit my stride and forget that I am actually moving quite quickly on a machine and going absolutely nowhere. I guess focusing so much on the first half hour and not committing to the entire hour upfront is where the problem lays.
I just worry that the Zyban is affecting my mentality in a bad way now (what with my gym struggles and desire to do nothing). As though it’s making me depressed and unmotivated… Who knows? It may just be today. My opinions on this drug and its effects definitely change quickly…
Regardless, I am still giving this drug a shot. I hope to great extents that its effects haven’t already plateaued for me. I am beginning to wonder if I should have tried the Chantix first… Too bad I am weary of drugs that have been approved by the FDA in the last 5-10 years and pharmaceutical companies in general. I am definitely interested in it but wish it had been around for a while longer…
I’ve had a few doctors push drugs at me that didn’t seem necessary and were relatively new and heavily marketed. One drug (that I declined to take) was taken off the shelves 2 months later. I’ve also been acquainted in various ways with the marketing techniques of certain pharmaceutical companies and understand the reasons/incentives for doctors pushing certain drugs at you. Thus, I am skeptical about everything. This includes Zyban/Wellbutrin.
I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. An absurd amount of mosquitoes have been around for the past few days (it was around 85 degrees today) and I am reluctant to sleep until I am confident they are all gone/dead!
It was very hard for me to become motivated to do anything today. I would have preferred to stay in bed but knew I had things to do and that I would feel like garbage if I just sat around all day. A good thing is that, since I posted about my lethargy at the gym, I decided to push myself to the full hour today. Just as I expected, it wasn’t really a problem. I don’t mind exercising. I actually love it (except that I hate sweating). The first half hour gets me though. Somewhere between the 30 and 40 minute mark, I hit my stride and forget that I am actually moving quite quickly on a machine and going absolutely nowhere. I guess focusing so much on the first half hour and not committing to the entire hour upfront is where the problem lays.
I just worry that the Zyban is affecting my mentality in a bad way now (what with my gym struggles and desire to do nothing). As though it’s making me depressed and unmotivated… Who knows? It may just be today. My opinions on this drug and its effects definitely change quickly…
Regardless, I am still giving this drug a shot. I hope to great extents that its effects haven’t already plateaued for me. I am beginning to wonder if I should have tried the Chantix first… Too bad I am weary of drugs that have been approved by the FDA in the last 5-10 years and pharmaceutical companies in general. I am definitely interested in it but wish it had been around for a while longer…
I’ve had a few doctors push drugs at me that didn’t seem necessary and were relatively new and heavily marketed. One drug (that I declined to take) was taken off the shelves 2 months later. I’ve also been acquainted in various ways with the marketing techniques of certain pharmaceutical companies and understand the reasons/incentives for doctors pushing certain drugs at you. Thus, I am skeptical about everything. This includes Zyban/Wellbutrin.
I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. An absurd amount of mosquitoes have been around for the past few days (it was around 85 degrees today) and I am reluctant to sleep until I am confident they are all gone/dead!
Day 12, a.m.
Everything is about the same for me this morning as it was yesterday. I am still smoking, my desire to smoke has decreased and I am still craving cigarettes from time to time.
Here’s something: My dependence on coffee seems to be back. I have been craving it like cigarettes for the past 5 days and it is no longer making me itchy. It does, however, increase my energy more than what it normally would have.
I was able to walk my dog over to a friend’s house who just came back from a 4 month stint in South Korea and Thailand yesterday, socialize with her and her family for a while and walk home without thinking about smoking. In fact, I knew I would be gone a long time and decided I wouldn’t need my cigarettes.
That’s a type of one of the small steps I need to focus on and enjoy.
The Zyban does work. I just have to figure out what extra steps are that I need to take myself to get off these cigarettes.
Another note is that, this weekend, when boyfriend has gone out to smoke (I don’t smoke in my home) he has come back smelling HORRIBLE. This means two things to me: 1) Wow, this must be what they’re talking about when they say Zyban makes people hate the smell of smoke, and 2) I think I need to go smoke so I can distract myself from the smell coming off of him by putting it on me too.
Am I insane? Where do I come up with these ideas? How do I rationalize relieving the discomfort of my disgustingly smelly boyfriend by immersing myself in the same thing that made him smell so bad in the first place? When he is sweaty and gross, do I try to make myself that way too? No. I stay way the hell away from him and tell him to go take a shower!
Another difference for me since taking Zyban is that I have been less stringent upon doing an hour of cardio at the gym. It’s become hard for me (mentally) to keep going. I want to stop at a ½ hour and am usually able to push myself to 45 minutes. I think it’s just a rut though. I feel that, in the back of my mind, I know once I push myself up to 1 hour again, I will always go that long (it makes me feel so good too). I hate that I’m stuck at the half hour mark though. It honestly seems like I’ve wasted my time going to the gym if I only do 30 minutes. It feels like only a warm-up.
Oh, and I’ve been grinding my teeth something fierce for the past few days. My jaw is aching from the grinding/TMJ and I am only able to eat soups and noodles right now. I can barely fit a spoon between my teeth right now ‘cause my jaw is so bad. My teeth hurt and I think I’ve given myself a cavity on one particular tooth that I have focused on destroying. Gah!
Here’s something: My dependence on coffee seems to be back. I have been craving it like cigarettes for the past 5 days and it is no longer making me itchy. It does, however, increase my energy more than what it normally would have.
I was able to walk my dog over to a friend’s house who just came back from a 4 month stint in South Korea and Thailand yesterday, socialize with her and her family for a while and walk home without thinking about smoking. In fact, I knew I would be gone a long time and decided I wouldn’t need my cigarettes.
That’s a type of one of the small steps I need to focus on and enjoy.
The Zyban does work. I just have to figure out what extra steps are that I need to take myself to get off these cigarettes.
Another note is that, this weekend, when boyfriend has gone out to smoke (I don’t smoke in my home) he has come back smelling HORRIBLE. This means two things to me: 1) Wow, this must be what they’re talking about when they say Zyban makes people hate the smell of smoke, and 2) I think I need to go smoke so I can distract myself from the smell coming off of him by putting it on me too.
Am I insane? Where do I come up with these ideas? How do I rationalize relieving the discomfort of my disgustingly smelly boyfriend by immersing myself in the same thing that made him smell so bad in the first place? When he is sweaty and gross, do I try to make myself that way too? No. I stay way the hell away from him and tell him to go take a shower!
Another difference for me since taking Zyban is that I have been less stringent upon doing an hour of cardio at the gym. It’s become hard for me (mentally) to keep going. I want to stop at a ½ hour and am usually able to push myself to 45 minutes. I think it’s just a rut though. I feel that, in the back of my mind, I know once I push myself up to 1 hour again, I will always go that long (it makes me feel so good too). I hate that I’m stuck at the half hour mark though. It honestly seems like I’ve wasted my time going to the gym if I only do 30 minutes. It feels like only a warm-up.
Oh, and I’ve been grinding my teeth something fierce for the past few days. My jaw is aching from the grinding/TMJ and I am only able to eat soups and noodles right now. I can barely fit a spoon between my teeth right now ‘cause my jaw is so bad. My teeth hurt and I think I’ve given myself a cavity on one particular tooth that I have focused on destroying. Gah!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Day 11, a.m.
Man I was in a foul mood yesterday! I am sure it was a combination of many things that put me there but, today, I feel a lot better.
I rescind my thoughts that the Zyban is no longer affecting me. It is. I just need to be more patient with it.
I keep reading all of these people’s accounts of quitting smoking with Zyban and they are saying things like “I lost the desire to quit after 3 days” “on Day 9 I smoked my last cigarette and never looked back”. When is it my turn (whine)?
I have decided to be a little more patient with this. I am giving it more time to set in. It definitely decreases my desire to smoke and maybe I need to be a little more relaxed about it… I feel like I am overanalyzing the efficiency of this product and, thus, making me obsess about cigarettes.
I am going to spend a little more time not wanting to smoke and finding happiness on those occasions where I decline a cigarette when I normally wouldn’t.
Hopefully, good things will come to those who wait in this case. Or, maybe I am just making another excuse/plan to delay my quit…?
I rescind my thoughts that the Zyban is no longer affecting me. It is. I just need to be more patient with it.
I keep reading all of these people’s accounts of quitting smoking with Zyban and they are saying things like “I lost the desire to quit after 3 days” “on Day 9 I smoked my last cigarette and never looked back”. When is it my turn (whine)?
I have decided to be a little more patient with this. I am giving it more time to set in. It definitely decreases my desire to smoke and maybe I need to be a little more relaxed about it… I feel like I am overanalyzing the efficiency of this product and, thus, making me obsess about cigarettes.
I am going to spend a little more time not wanting to smoke and finding happiness on those occasions where I decline a cigarette when I normally wouldn’t.
Hopefully, good things will come to those who wait in this case. Or, maybe I am just making another excuse/plan to delay my quit…?
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